Focusing on what matters
I believe that we are given lessons over and over until we get the lessons. In 1997 after Kipfmueller called Larry Hopwood to ask him to flunk me for my internship and Hopwood told him, "I will judge for myself" , Hopwood said to me "Teresa, I have seen people go up against patriarchy before and they always lose because they get so tired. Focus on what matters."
I had thought I had arrived to myself before Kipfmueller worked for DiUlio to try to get me.
So Hopwood wouldn't flunk me and he saw that my clients got better and not only did they get better they returned to their appointments with me.
Their improvement was rated on a scale from 1 to 10 that they rated. They would come in rating themselves low and by the end of a few sessions they were rating themselves higher, but what shocked him the most is that we were dealing with a population that had so many financial struggles that they did not return to appointments. My clients came back to their appointments Introspection is something they train you for in grad school for Sally Sue of the suburbs who has no real problems compared to those in financial struggle.
Because they couldn't get Hopwood to do their dirty work, they then in brought in the FBI. And Paul "the brilliant" professor from Winnepeg didn't know that Winnepeg was in Canada and then I knew something was up. I had already been warned so I knew.
But this time, I can focus on what matters.
My brother told my friend he kept the messages I left. Jeez, I hope he listens to them weekly because I meant every one of them.
I wish I had recordings of his exploding at me over the years.
When the monster and Mrs. Olson exploded at me on Mother's Day I decided to tell every one, no more secrets for the patriarchs.
Patrick, who the God son judges because the God son judges every one and says the most negative things about people such as my nephew being good looking and he must love his wife because she isn't and the nephew called to say don't ask if she is pregnant (it was liver disease) and my dad would never repeat a story at Christmas like that, well Patrick wrote a sympathetic note the God son judged me for being outraged that this monster continues to try to hurt me.
I think people who say these sad things about others do so to feel superior.
Well, the nephew's wife was dead by Feb due to liver disease.
But Patrick wrote upon my disclosure, "Oh, Terr I love you, I know what an autocrat he can be."
But the Godparent's God son wrote "I don't think you realize the effect you have on people when you lash out...."
I think someone has said that to him but notice he is incapable of empathy, he's the decider like George W. Bush, and it was my last Mother's Day with my mother and the monster came home and with his eyes bulging because I said "If she goes to a nursing home I will never speak to any of you again" so the Godfather put his fist in my face touching my face and yelling "if you write of my kids...."
I was shocked and very calmly said, "If I wrote anything it would have been positive...."
But since my younger brother keeps talking about me to others I feel it's fine to write it all out.
So the monster on mother's Day followed me and I got to the steps and he was pushing his body against me (meanwhile Mrs. Olson you know the bitch from hell who can't stop bitching was egging him on) and so I stood on a step to be eye level with the monster and he stopped.
Happy Mother's Day Mom ! And he did it with his wife's support in front of his daughter.
This is the man who laughed when I brought Michele home because it was her first Chrsitmas without her father and he laughed as if she and I were gay. If I were gay I would say I was but I am not. And his wife wouldn't speak because she has a niece that went gay and she fears for her own.
So I told the youngest nephew that Michele's boy friend was in Maryland and Mrs. Olson then relaxed.
I never have to be around those people again.
I won't be.
Shullsburg people have been kind, asking me on facebook if I am okay, one of them is the director of religion.
I don't go on facebook these days only to check for messages from Cath.
But the Monster's Godson has no empathy or sympathy for people.
He and his wife kept saying, "You have us." as if that is some great thing.
There would never be the discussions with them that I had with my mother. I told my mother when you die I will just talk to you all of the time.
All of them fear being alone, I don't. I'd rather be alone in solitude than be with them.
He has exploded at me over the years and never apologized. He's like his Monster God father he never apologizes either.
I remember one time Tom was home and the Monster went after him out of jealousy. He beat him up and pulled his hair out.
I never have to be around that Monster again.
So when I was talking to my Clarke friend about the monster she said, "You always have had so much anger toward the monster that I wondered if he did something."
She keeps thinking that the monster is married to Tom's wife (the woman who took it upon herslf to tell the monster what the Great Novice Master said)
He knew that I loved Tom and he went there because I never said anything negative about Tom and he was jealous that I told him what I thought (him being the great novice master)
With Tom, my body used to feel safe. Just safe.
I told my friend that around the monster I feel sick to my stomach. she said "Trust that."
My mother said after the monster's tantrum on Mother's Day, "He is like my brother."
I am past the place of feeling compassion for any of them.
My survival requires that I never be around any of them again.
That youngest one blares out orders "Don't say that." "Don't do this.'
He never listens and he married a joy killer for Christmas. The joy left when she entered the family. She wants to impose her perfectionism on others. That's what joy killers do.
Tom could handle her better. We were at a dinner at his house a few years back and she took it upon herself to turn down the music.
He doesn't take crap from anyone.
He immediately turned it back up asking, Who turned down the music.
I said with tension in my stomach that she did.
He turned it back up (I think he knew who turned it down) and he said of the Italian music "You like this don't you, Terri?"
I told my mom that I felt safe around Tom.
This was 15 years ago. My body just relaxes because I know he doesn''t want anything.
She said, 'I think his students do, too."
But the Godparents well the female one has always wanted the God son to herself.
But she has even said she would not want her husband at the God son's house because her husband puts his elbows on the table and the God son's wife would tell him to take them off.
I hate Christmas there.
So this year I have plans for a Christmas with joy.
And its' hard for friends and cousins to accept that I am not going to my mother's funeral.
i'll have my own.
She used to say to me, "Go to Church."
After she came out with the Jesuit uncle abusing her on the day of her father's burial and the Jesuit drove her back she never told me that again.
But for me focusing on what matters is focusing on my writing.