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Wednesday, May 4th, 2016
12:09 pm
Women with Aspergers
In Madison buses declare with ads that women in their 80's are often abused.

Add aspergers to that and it goes higher I believe.

Aspergers manifests itsself differently in women than it does in men.

The book, OLIVE KITTERIDGE,  describes a woman with at least a level of aspergers.

The other day I watched the movie, THE LADY IN THE VAN starring Maggie Smith.  It's in cinemas now but Charter made it available on tv so I rented it.  It's based on a true story based on the book wiht the same title.

She plays this cantankerous, negative woman who shows up at writer's door step, a woman hurt by the Catholic Church telling her to give up her gift of piano playing to serve God.  She was talented.  Many musicians have aspergers.

This woman shows up to stay for a bit living out of a van and she ends up living in that van in front of his garage for 15 years.

Her brother had her institutionalized because she was different.  Patriarchs like control, they like to institutionalize women like that.

I think the movie shows how hard life can be for an elderly woman with aspergers in a superficial society.  But this woman was experienced by a writer.

He could not please her

He could not control her.

He did not institionalize her.

11:57 am
To empower the self while being present to others.
I called mom.

She asked, "Where have you been?"

Her tone was curious wiht no judgment.

I said, 'I am afraid my calls make you down so I thougth you needed a break from them."

I spent years trying to keep her out of a nursing home with one side in the family saying one group wanted her in there and then I was kept from her and I kept going .  Doing what she did using education to keep going.  The flyer from the UW Witing Institute gave me a way to imagine finishing and publishing my novels.

I was lead to her on Christmas Eve by my dad.  My dad was a Christmas Christian, hope alive and he is the reason I found her on Christmas Eve.

For weeks I worked on bringing her back to some sense of self.

We have never talked family much.  We talk ideas.

She is not happy to having had Dr. Jolly allow her walking to be taken from her in his neglect.

But at this point, I dont have the money to help her get Cath to be her guardian as she wants.

My greatest strength with her is to hear what she wants.

We may not get the first thing on what we want but we need to ask the simple question, "What else?"  over and over untiil we get to what we want.

We need to train people on this.

A friend told the story of her daughter telling a work coach that the daughter wanted to be a singer.  And the worker automatically put the daughter into Goodwill because the worker believed it was impossible.

But you know, a more gracious and life giving way to handle it is to say, "okay, but before you become a singer what else would you like to do?"  And you just keep going until a list is made.

I do it with myself as well (Thanks to the training of Larry Hopwood)

At issue is that I carried intense responsibility for my mom and I needed to take a break from it.

It was years of doing things and hiring people to come in to hear her storie and to clean her bedroom, living area and bathroom.

I know she has aspergers and Dr. Jolly I know you read here I sent you the link and you did not consult me once.  And you had no idea which was memory issues and which was the aspergers.  For instance she doesn't remember numbers, names and things like that she never has.

She told me in your psych ward, "Terri, they don't believe us that the FBI is on us."

Well the joke is on all of you, every time you called and threw a tantrum others heard.

I needed a break.  I had this guilt if I didn't call or show up and I wasn't living my life because I was protecting her.

The staff is good to her there and I now believe that during the week that she has enough going on that I can wait until the weekends to spend time with her.

I feel compassion for her.  I know she was a genius and she has aspergers and she was socialized to marry and birth babies by the Catholic Church.

I remember telling her, "Mom I don't want to get married."

She said, "In my day it meant security but it doesn't mean that anymore."

I wanted to be a writer and I am a writer.  It will take me to the end of my life.  It's about experiencing life.

But this woman who worked when other women stayed at home and who had the care of an age group of children from age 18 to a baby had so much thrown on her.

At the same time, I am dealing wtih the pain of being in that family.

For me The DRAMA OF THE GIFTED CHILD has to do with processing sibing information as well not just mom.

I give thanks to Johanna Harty who loved my dad so much that he never got over her death.

He loved me.    He loved my spirit.  The last post card he sent me before he was diagnosed was, "You could hold the world in the palm of your hand."  and he had put a stamp of the earth shot from outer space on the card.

Imagine having a World War II era father who believed his daughter.  He loved my spirit.

He saw all sides of me.

So I am doing 3 things.

I am believing what Larry Hopwood said of people, "I approach people with the assumption that they have the power to change their lives."

I am working on my childhood pain as it comes up and I am feeling my way through it.  I am strong there .

I am listening to a positive prosperity preacher not the preachers who want to feel superior in their judgments of others.

And so I had to take a few days to do this and to trust that Mom was okay.

I would pray, "Thank you God for taking care of Mom."

And so today I called her and she said, "Where've you been?"

The tone was not controlling or manipulative it was just wondering.

I love this woman and I also know I have to build a life of my own and God had put people in my path who contribute to my enjoyment of life as I live my life as a writer.

And I am grateful.
10:29 am
May the 4th be with you !
(just saw it on an ad; not my idea)

Today is an easy kind of day just hanging with myself.

And thinking of my writing.

I will write a scene today where the character Weedy Oak's ways take over the town's talk making the dark one feel abandoned for at least when he had the town's negative attention he felt the power.  But Weedy's ways take over the town because he is totally immersed in the present with the Earth.

Before they know it they wonder what Weedy is doing and not wondering where the dark character is.

So hopefully the 4th will be with my writing today !
9:55 am
kids talk
Today I ran into a little boy and he told me, "I am amazing !'  I said, "you are so amazing."

He put his hands in the air like he made a touch down, "I am creative."

I said, "You are so creative."

He put his arms back in the ahir, 'I am intelligent."

I said, 'You are so smart."

He said, "I am awesome."

I said, "You are so awesome."

He owned the words; his body revealed it.
9:50 am
McDonald's versus Marquette
No one speaks on the sacredness found at McDonald's.  It receives the people of society that other places don't.

I avoid their food except I get kids apple slices and I do more unsweetened tea from there but it's the might of the workers that inspire me.

The McDonald's in Madison/Middleton hire transgender people, I mean sometimes one can tell that someone is transgender and McDonald's hires from the poplulation.

Hispanics are hired here adn are allowed to climb as are African Americans.

I got here to feel in touch with the population of diversity.

Yesterday I was at a trampoline place with two guys and a mother was there.  She said that she was Mexican.  She said she went to Marquette University for college.  She said, 'There isn't much diversity there."

I said, "I graduated from there."

She said, "They are working on it."

I said nothing.

They have been working on it since I was there.  In 1994 in grad school an Africna American graduate student told me that there were not any African Americans at Marquette.  I whispered on teh phone, "Barbara I think you are the only one."

The African Americans population consists of kitchen workers at Marquette.

But at the dental school under Jeanne Hoppe she quietly hired Afican Americans and Hispanics to work in the dental school for years.

She never said a word, she just did it.
Tuesday, May 3rd, 2016
6:06 pm
Cruz and Trump
Cath told me that Donald' Trump's wife said that we need immigrants so they can be the housekeepers.

Today Ted Cruz spoke an apologia against Donald Trump.

And I said to the tv, you people created him when you allowed his birther movement to go unquestioned.

But then Cruz defended his wife who is a corporate person just like Hillary Clinton's son is a banker invester on Wall STreet.

But what I noticed were tears in her eyes that she was trying not to show.

Donald Trump aims to hurt women using the sexism of the ages, how women look.

To be nationally poked at by Trump must have been hard on her because they were not tears of love they were tears of pain.

She is bright and so is Cruz though I can't stand Cruz .

But today she was trying to hider her vulnerability.

I resent what Trump does to women.
9:14 am
For my dad who loved the trees

There have been Springs where I saw the blooming flowers
and I did not feel their joy.  Dooming,  I  looked at them the
way the accuser looked at me, I suppose, an object of joy
which I could not feel for myself.   Today, the Spring greens its
way with a bursting of tree buds and tulips, the violets grow long,
strong stems, the gentle winds make them sway a dance of
free expression.  This rebirth drama of the earth, takes me to
a stilling place inside, I am with them, not looking at them
as metphors for the internal, but rather part of them, rooted
in a sense of self, sustained with their reality, tree  regreened.

9:04 am
I was with some kids recently and they play the repeating game so if I give a directive they repeat it instead of doing it to play a game.

So I turned it on them, "I am wonderful"  "I am amazing"  "I am intelligent"

The idea is that they would say that about themselves and one child said the opposite.  I said, 'Do not speak if you are going to say negative things about yourself.  Every one knows you are wonderful; you are the only one who doesn't know it."

He just wasn't able to say it.  The parenting is fabulous; it happened before they got him.

He is wonderul and until we know it ourselves we don't believe it.
8:58 am
Madison's Vision
Something that has remained in my mind since the Houston flooding recently is the news reporting that every ten square feet of concrete in Houston cost $5000 in flood damag.   Urban sprawl has done this to Houston.  And the news said that other cities will be going through the same thing.

Middleton's newspaper commented on Middleton's sprawl and lack of planning.

Madison plans.

The community talks about sprawl all of the time and also about buying local which took off from Madison.

The idea is that that local money stays in the area and it's environmentally positive because less fuel is needed to transport the food.

Monday, May 2nd, 2016
3:53 pm
Offering kids time to be free

I thought that the kids would want to go to the zoo.  I asked the oldest one when I picked him up at 1:30 if he wanted to go to the zoo to ride the merry go round.  The other day he told me he did, no he wantd to go jumping on a trampoline.
So that's where I took him.
Then, I picked up the little one 2 hours later and asked if he wanted to go to the zoo and he said no he wanted to go to the library.
The mother asked me to give the kids free time when they are with me.
At school I left with the teacher telling me we are working on his not running ahead.

I do think it is useful to allow the kids to be free of personal work and personal monitoring.  They have to take my hand on the roads/streets we walk and anything with safety I enforce but otherwise I take them seriously on what they want.

":Terri, what are you eating."
I said, Popcorn, do you want some?"
The older one added in, I want some, too.
I bought these 80 calorie bags of popcorn and then they had their apple slices which they love.

I work on letting kids be where they are in the moment and telling me what they want.

Sunday, May 1st, 2016
4:13 pm
3:56 pm

A bird with an orange beek, a woodpecker, flew to perch itself as I read the following in THE DRAMA OF THE GIFTED CHILD.

I had written the post below on sexism and then I drove home.  Sometimes I sit in my car because where I live feels like a park and I hang out .  That's where I am and the bird stopped by and I think it was an angel conveying I am on the right path.  Today I read from the book:

(I think the first quote relates to Donald Trump who was sent away to a cold, military school to control him and now look at his contempt for others.)

"Even alert parents cannot always understand their children, but they respect their children’s feelings even when they cannot understand them.  Where there is no such respect, their children seek refuge from a painful truth of ideologies.  Nationalism, racism and fascism are in fact nothing other than ideological guises of the flight from painful unconscious memories endured contempt into the dangerous , destructive disrespect for human life glorified as a political program.  The former hidden cruelty that was exercised upon the powerless child now becomes only too apparent in the violence in such political groups.  It’s origins in childhood, in the total disregard of the former child, however, remain concealed or absolutely denied not only by members of the group but by society as a whole."

With them and with the great novice master: This was my role I was to sit there and listen and no one listened to me; had no interest treated me like the mentally ill person who had nothing to contribute to the conversation:  My job was to listen to them go on and on about themselves, it became boring:

We had nothing in common.  They either spoke of themselves or their relationship with the golden child or their friends were the most perfect friends in the world   and if it wasn't the golden child it was about the ungolden child and I could never escape my past and deal with it.  I had said over and over I want to live in the present.  And now I do.

It was as if they wanted me to know I was nobody special and so did he.  He even told me, “You are nobody special Teresa’  I told my therapist and she said, “I think he knows just how special you are, Teresa’  And Dr. Ulrich shot back when I told him what the great novice master said, “And you should have told him, ‘and that’s what makes me a saint.’’

Monica listened to me and I to, her.  And she said, “Terri you have the ability to see what is good in people and hold it in your hand to show it to them.”

And now I do that for  myself.

The author writes of the them and the novice master:

Then there are the people who can seem very friendly if a shade patronizing but in whose presence one feels as if one were nothing.  They convey the feeling that they are the only one who exists, the only one who has anything interesting or relevant to say.  The others can only stand there and admire them with fascination, or turn away in disappointment and sorrow about their own lack of worth, unable to express in these persons’ presence.

The way out for anyone and I am in this phase now:

When the patient has emotionally worked through the history of her childhood and has regained the sense of being alive, the goal of therapy has been reached.  She will then be able to use the tools she has learned whenever feelings from her past are triggered by present events.   As time goes on she will use them more effectively and will need less time for this work.  The map of her life will be available for her whenever she needs it.

2:12 pm
Why ridding the world of sexism should be a first priority
Sexist parentig is the problem that if corrected could correct most issues in years to come.
The mother who has been treated as a second class citizen can without conscious raising opportunities raise her daughters to be second class citizens and her sons to be small Gods.  The sons then see the mother as highly important but they still internalize the notion unconsciously from example that the daughters are less than and they then go on to consdier all females less than.

I go to house led by two men.  There is absolutely no sexism in that house.  I have never seen a house where 2 boys are treated the same as two girls.

We as a world of people consider sexism to be the least important ism, when in fact it is the ism that can stop the spread of all isms.

When Palestine gives up its blatant sexism against women I will consdier their plight but not until they fight for women's rights within their culture for they cause the oppression that causes all other oppressions.

And then there is Ghost, he lives as if the animals and humans deserve the same respect in that he is vegan and he treats the earth as if it is a great woman deserving of love because it is his life source.

His way pulls me and my writing forward but I am not there yet.

And so most people are no where near him because they are still struggling with sexism.

I had a father who loved my voice. My voice brought him joy.  I would say things as a 4 year old like, "If chicks are chickens then ducks are duckens."
He was love for me.
He is what saved me.
The last thing he told me in Shullsburg was, "Don't be like me."
Emotionally I was who he was.
And so I heeded those words and stopped being long and suffering which was my weak point.  No more.
1:49 pm
My wonderful life !

Mostly I avoid stress.
I have stopped watching the news.  I know I will catch up on it when I am with Mom.
I am about to get rid of my cable so that I go to Harbor to watch tv while I ride a bike.
I listen to a positive minister in the morning and then I have one line of Sirius XM set to 5 different music stations so that I can listen to anything from the 60's until now.
I play with kids.
ONe little boy likes to be pushed on a swing so I use that for my own body movement and I no longer do excessive exercising
and my theme song is from teh Eagles, "I have got a peaceful easy feeling and I know that you won't let me down because I am already standing on the ground."
And for my self healing I tend to kids and their needs come before mine in that they are not in this world to meet my needs but when they are themselves they are my little teachers like the little boy licking the ice cream like it was the first time he had ever eaten ice cream.
And the other day he ate a tiny cookie with small bites smiling and wiht gusto.
The other day 3 of the 4 kids were watching a cartoon adn the Queen of England gave a crown to a Teddy Bear and I laughed and the little boy who loves his stuffed animals said, "It is not funny."  I make sure that I take his feelings seriously.  I was laughing because the minion thought she was going to crown him and she crowned the Teddy Bear but the little boy though that I was laughing about the Teddy Bear.
And my writing, well, I have a fabulous muse !
I told Cath that when it sells I will make sure she is okay.  She says I don't have to do that.
I know I do.  I want to do that.
She is amazing.

1:16 pm
Made a goal

I lost 3 pounds this week and I finally made it to ten pounds.
I weighed yesterday and it was one pound and then I weighed today and it was down another two.
I now weigh what I weighed before 9/11.
My next goal is to weigh what I weighted when   I moved to Madison in 1999.

(I am down 62 pounds from my highest ever weight) Thank god harbor came in my life and the weight stopped going up.
Last night I hung out with dogs and a cat.  The kids were sleeping and I love the dogs and the cat finally bonded with me coming up to me and I gave him attention too.

Inside I struggled with feelings.  I wanted to eat a pizza.  I wanted to leave there and go to Dominos (which is against my ethic becuase the owner of the company is against pllanned parenthood) nor will I go to Jimmy John's because that owner shot the last female white rhino on a safari http://www.bing.com/search?q=jimmy+john+owner+shoots+rhino&src=IE-TopResult&FORM=IETR02&conversationid=

And so I breathed.  The feeling was a burning feeling of emptiness that I had as a child and would eat away and pizza is the magic relief of that feeling.

Or I can feel the feeling as painful as it is.

I told myself that I could have a home made ofd fashioned weight watchers pizza that I have been making for 30 years on and off.  Bread  baked with tomato sauce til it thickens add some cheese and the two pieces are 8 points all together.

I got home and I wrote out my feelings
Then I ate the pizza and a parfait loaded with blueberries and strawberries
Then this morning I weighed and instead of being up from teh inflammation caused by pizza I was down 2 more pounds.

I am just going to keep doing what I am doing.  I consult the book that Dr. Ulrich told me to read 16 years ago and it helps so much.  But it does evoke feelings and the only way to manage those feelings is to face them and acknowledge them to myself.

And today I am free  !  

Saturday, April 30th, 2016
10:00 pm
A prime number stood so I would see the person and the other day a non prime number did the same thing and of course we have 241 as the hook coming out
And the goal is that I will protest and you will somehow get me for stalking you who stalk me.

I really have nothing more to say I know where you are aand when you are and you know I know so there we are.
9:02 pm
Mom's first Saturday in a few months without me
Cath took mom roast beef, a baked potato and a salad.

I called Mom and she was about to watch the Press Corp Dinner with Obama.

I told her that Alejandra said to say Hi and to give her a kiss.

That put a thrill in her voice.
12:41 pm
What would help us grow from old Pete's story
Well, Pete said that I had a tape recorder for a memory.  I didn't think much of it until Tim Heller met me and asked, "How did you remember that?"  I said, "It was in the scene."
So anyway Pete said that he went into a depression and had no reason to live and so he started running and then he took on the nuclear arms race in Dubuque Iowa who still pretty much eats white bread.  I mean they aren't into these worldly things so much.

Instead of feeling his feelings he ran from them and then when a person like me came into his life, a person who can feel well it tapped into his repression.  I encounter this offen in helpers.  And the book, THE DRAMA OF THE GIFTED CHILD, named the process for me.

The helper wants the patient to dote on him the way his primary caretaker failed to do in his frist 3 years of life and when the patient doesn't fit the mold and feels those feelings that touch into panic in the helper because s/he has repressed them they banish the feeler.

Pete is in pain.  He needs the admiration and has substituited it for love.  Admiriation is not love.

It's admiration.

But it can be a drug that makes one not sit with his or her pain.

I am losing weight because I sit with the feelings,  I close my eyes when I am alone and I go into those feelings and I face them and then, I let them go.

Now, I know what it means to have vitality.

I have it. 
12:16 pm
Yesterday, in my car, after we left the library the two boys told me, "I want apple slices"  and so I did a quick drive into McDonald's to get apple slices and they wanted iced water.  Then they wanted more apple slices and I gave them each a cookie.  And watching the 3 year old eat that cookie tiny bite by tiny bite enjoying it was a lesson on how to eat and enjoy food.
Then, he and his brother wanted another cookie so I gave them one.  They were tiny cookies.
Then another and i said, "Oh, no, you are going to have dinner."
And the 3 year old eats the apples with as much delight as the cookies and he said, "We can have cookies for dinner."
I didn't give in but those two boys tap into my sense of joy.

Things are going well for me in that I eat lots of zuchini and/or squash noodles.
Last night I made pizza with that old Weight Watcher's recipe of using thin bread, baking it with the tomato sauce on it and then adding the cheese after the tomato sauce thickens.

I am happy.

Last night 20/20 had a special on the son of the head of scientology who now lives in West Allis around S 77th street and a man with lots of guns was stalking the man because the father has written a book about his son, the leader and when you question scientology they will get you for leaving.

And the naive interviewer asked the Scientologist rep if she thougth the Catholic Church would do such things?

Of course they do except in my case they use the FBI.

By the way, 241 came out last night while 161 got an order in, you see he wanted me to think just he was on me but the ordering out always lets me know.
12:03 pm
A wonderful person posted this link on facebook

The woman who posted this on her facebook page has two little boys who are the treasures of her heart.
She wants me to make sure they have fun and we do have fun.

I have mentioned Annie, well Annie insisted that I take a build a bear Dinosaur in my car and it turned out to be magic for the kids who ride in my car and all wanted access so I went to Goodwill and got an Elmo and a black cat and a polar bear.  The kids will claim ownership and I will say, "We have to share."

And so this woman came into my life before Christmas before I found Mom.

And the woman is quiet in nature but not for her love for her family.

And she is good and she is raising two little boys wiht the support of her female partner.

The world is lucky that she is givng them two boys raised by women in love.

I am friendly but reluctant to do things with people.  And she started asking me to go out to dinner with them once a week and I made myself telling myself, 'You ahve to do this because Mom is not in yoru life like she was.
And I did it.
And now I am strong, so strong.
Her boys are so much fun and alive and in the moment.  I have great people who put their kids in my care.
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