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Monday, May 23rd, 2016
6:58 pm
The anonymous Chrisitan
http://www.foodpantries.org/ci/wi-madison   25 food pantries in Madison WI

Catholic Dubuque as it so tries to control women's ovaries has 8 food pantries to feed the birthed babies.

http://www.foodpantries.org/ci/ia-dubuque


The Jesuit theologian Karl Rahner spoke of the anonymous Christian , it's the person who doens't identify as a Christian but lives out the principles.

Madison is the real dea, the Church in Dubuque is for social climbing.

Catholic Dubuque got rid of planned parenthood this past year in 2016.  No abortions were done there in Dubuque, it was the judgers and the people who want climb well they stay quiet because they will fall if they live a life of Jesus.

Today, Mary would show up as a poor woman to get health care from Planned Parenthood.

If you are going to force pregnancy onto women at lleast feed the damn babies.

In Dubuque at those 8 pantries the people can go once a month if they live in a certain district and they get crap.

Oh to be a Catholic in Dubuque
6:50 pm
Catholic Dubuque versus Secular Madison
Tears touched my eyes a few minutes ago, I miss what my mom and I had.

So tears fell.

I dont like how our society puts people in boxes in their final years.

Saturday night, a resident told me that her roommate died of cancer there.  She is a sweet resident  Her daughter is friendly to me because I like her mom and I listen to her stories.

The man who said that he asked to move in said that he is not happy to be there anymore.  He said, "I think I am in here for the long haul."

The place is find the staff is kind, most of them anyway.

It's what we do in this society.

My mother still makes observations that blowmy mind away.

For these people who gossiped about her in teh family, they never listen to anyone they just talk and talk and talk , what makes them think that anyone listen to them.
Helena told me a long time ago that people are dying to be heard.

My mother resents the help there that tries to control her.  She knows.

Jesus they barely have any choice why do you try to make them do what you think they should do?

I wanted to call her tonight to cry, "I miss what we had together."

It's okay to cry that it is over.

I told Cath that I might start sending cards to the residents that I talk to on a weekly basis.  I was not there last weekend and these people noticed.

I don't understand our throwaway society.

I remember after supper as a kid saying "I am going to go sit on teh porch with Mrs. Alexander."

She never said a word, she sat on her chair, I sat on the stoop and the rule was when the street lights were on I had to go back to my own yard.

I imagine some of these residents think, "Is this it?"

I told my mother two weeks ago, "Mom you taught me how to survive life and to use education to keep going."

She said, "It doesn't do me any good here."

I came back from Dubuque and there was no weight gain this time.

I exercise at Harbor and this woman has tried to talk to me and I said, "I don't want to talk to anybody I come here to exercise."

I feel as if the water holds me.  I spent my youth at the pool alone a lot of times letting the water hold me.

I am responding to people's needs and glady so on a daily baisis I don't want to spend my time exercising talking.

I am going to be working on short stories from the experience of the nursing home.

Catholic Dubuque rages against abortion, they have huge pro life gatherings.  If my mother had been allowed to live in Madison, this secular place that she dropped me off when she was 70.  She drove into town as I fled Milwaukee, "Now, you will be able to be yourself here, people may not be religious but they are deeply spiritual."

Cathoic Dubuque and all its showiness of showing up at church on sunday does not even have enough food pantries that people can get food from.

In Madison, they are every where and you go weekly.

I have learned to discern between the religious and the spiritual.

I love my mother.  I don't like what has been done to her life in Catholic Dubuque.
Sunday, May 22nd, 2016
10:15 pm
Writing Practice
So, they tell you to read, read, read when you live the life of a writer.

I decided to study some Hemingway on short story writing.

So I wrote the piece below a few minutes ago to practice writing.

Getting rid of cable has proven to be useful.  I read, I write, I clean.

And so I made up the story below as a writing practice kind of thing.
10:12 pm
A Short Story

  • STEAMING



Her wildness taunted him.

             He walked into the home where he would meet his mother.  He knew the woman saw him do this every weekend.

             A nurse whispered, ‘There must be money in the family, no normal man would do this.’
             He walked in front of the wild one to put down his Styrofoam beverage. 

He wished for a beer but he knew the smell would give it away and the staff called him, Doctor. 

             “Hello, Doctor,”  they said.

             They knew that he was someone, but this woman, the wild one who had cried to her mother that her brother was keeping them apart did not treat him right.  No wonder her brother punished her.

             He walked into her on purpose one night.  She said, “Excuse me.”

             He wanted to hurt her.

             She smiled and went on.  Didn’t she know that he had importance.  He was a doctor for God’s sake and the way she threw it around that status meant nothing to her.  She needed to learn her place.

             This day he walked in with a white Styrofoam glass. 

             She had napkins waiting for him he thought from a food co-op  made out of recycled paper.  He saw her look at the unrecyclable cup that would land in the crotch of the earth polluting the future.

             She reached for her notebook where he placed his drink.

             At last he had a chance to yell at her, and he snarled, “Just walk in front of me.”

He wished the beverage had hot coffee and he would spill it on her to make her blister.

             She changed her voice and said, “I am a New Yorker”  Her fake Bronx accent was deliberately bad.

             It infuriated him that she did not recognize his status like someone from the Bronx.

             He said, “I will give you New York.”

             She said nothing and he knew she knew his secret.  The doting gay son waiting for the mother to die.  Gay in Dubuque was a mortal sin, she drove in from that liberal town of Madison.

             He would spill the coffee on her next time.  He dreamed of blistering skin that would be a permanent scar to punish her to remember that he had status, he was a doctor.

              The CNA’s knew he was important.  She treated him with disregard while she laughed at the stories from a plumber who told of fixing vintage toilets.

             How dare she think she know me?  I have status.  I am someone. 

             She looked at him as if she read his thoughts.

             He read her thoughts and they said, “You are gay and ashamed. “

             She walked out the door leaving him in the dust of conservative Dubuque and she road off to that liberal town.

             A CNA said, “Good afternoon, Doctor.”

             He spilled the iced tea on her arm.

             The CNA asked, “Are you okay?”

             He thought she said, “Are you gay.”

             He looked at her and said, “No.”

             The secret was out, everything changed when that wild woman blew in on Christmas Eve wailing for her mother.  She needed to learn her place.  Now, everyone knew he was gay.   He was sure of it.

             “Doctor, would you like me to get you another beverage?”

             He said, “Hot coffee, so I am prepared.”

             The CNA knew that doctors were allowed to say strange things, she said, “Right away, Doctor.”

            

            

12:26 pm
Prayer Shawl
Have spent the morning with Mom.  She is now eating a roastbeef potato dinner.  I went to McDonald's earleir to get her a small coffee.

A friend of mine who inspires me every day with her in home care of a 92 year old man made Mom a prayer shawl.

In the Winter, Tammy takes him to his Florida home and she makes meaning out of their lives.  She left the Catholic Church for the Methodist Church because they are friendlier in her experience.

So they are active in the Church down there.

And when mom lived in her own home I subbed for Tammy to take care of Carson a couple of times.

She sent Mom the prayer shall and sea shells and then the gifts became a conversation piece with other reisidents about the beauty and the wonders of the shell especially a unique shell.

Freinds like Tammy have been so supportive of Mom and me.  I am grateful.

I am also moved by her generous heart.
8:53 am
God-laughs
Sun is shining in Dubuque.

I made Mom laugh last night.

I told her a joke I heard by a positive minister.  I said that a teacher said to her class, "I want every one who thinks they are dumb to stand up."

The teacher figured no one would stand up and she would say, see no one is dumb.

But Jonny stood up.

And the tacher asked, "Why do you tihink you are dumb Jonny."

Jonny said, "I just didn't want you to be the only one standing."


Mom laughed.  Her laughs have always been precious.

The sun is shining in Dubuque.
Saturday, May 21st, 2016
9:27 pm
Mom's act of resistance
So Mom has not gone to the bathroom.  I noticed.

The CNA just came to get her, saying I can bring you back and Mom said, "If I have to use a bed pan I am going to hold it; I am stubborn."

I said, "Mom that is not good"

And then I said to the CNA, "She is making the choice not to go to the bathroom so it is not your problem you tried."

I said, 'Mom, sometimes workers think they have to get a job done and she needs to know this is your choice."

The CNA was there and when women are young they often think they have to do what they are expected to.

It has come down to Mom holding her bladder as her act of resistance.

She went into the hospital able to walk, they left her over medicated lying in bed at the other place and Dr. Jolly left her in a wheel chair.

Unforgivable.

Stay away from pessismists.

A pessimist who got way too much power in our family and had no appreciation for my mother kept saying, "She can barely walk."

An optimist said, "She can walk."

You get what you look for and the pessimists want to be right, and so now she holds her bladder as her act of resistance.

For her, resisting control is how she lives.

I was telling Cath that I take care of a child who is defiant as a normal bright 3 year old is.  I think I get him after a day of having to do what teachers want because he never says goodbye to the teachers.

So I read up on it because I do not want to break his spirit.

And so I learned some tactics.

I said to Cath, "The literature says that the sweet and docile children may be more enjoyable but the determined ones are the ones who change the world."

Cath said, 'And we already knew that"
So this is mom's last act of resistance holding her bladder.


8:07 pm
With Mom
Enjoying the night with Mom.  It's still light out.

I showed her photos of Alejandra and her family from facebook.

And I showed her one of my Dad's nieces enjoying her pool in her backyard and she said of my dad's brother, "Wouldn't he be upset about that?"

I asked, "What do you think he would say?"
She said, "Put it back in the farm."

I said, "It's her money"

They live on a road my dad used to take so his brother would not know he was going to Dubuque.

His brother epitomized the James Joyce theme "the hand of the living dead"  in which Uncle Tom's hand is reaching out from the land choking the life of his victims.

A long time ago Patrick told me he went out at that farm and stood and said, "It stops here.'

The yelling and ranting and Patrick is a father who has raised wonderful kids.

I am saying that the sexism on both sides of the family stops with me.

I am not keeping the secrets so the men can gather and tell stories of only half truths.

Who are they to yell at me?

I was expected to let it al blow over last mother's day after that one threatened to beat me up in front of his child and then he stalked me to teh sterps leaning against me to intimidate me so I jumped up on the step so I was eye t oeye with him.

The one son said, "He did that to us 6 yerars ago we let it blow over."{  Oh no your wife told every one adn how you were making her like him.

Last summer i sat at maple bluff country club adn healed from it.  I went into a serious depression.

Never again.

Patrick and his friend from South Boston showed in madison years back and we met at the Union Terrace with Michele and Steve to hear foreign bands from Russia and I kicked the table laughing and I spilled a pitcher of New Glarus Beer.

And i said,  "Patrick, you didn't yell at me."

He looked at me like "why would I?"

The shock because the rest of them are always yelling at me.

Never again.
12:35 pm
Grace and Frankie
T here has been discussions on male actors keeping their homosexuality secret so they play believable leads in movies and shows.

Well in Grace And Frankie, Martin Sheen is a heterosexual who does not play a believable homosexual and it cracks me up !

He tries but the chemistry just isn't there.

I lvoe this show on so many levels.
10:30 am
The Pay Off
I went to weigh at Harbor.

I told myself that it could be up but I did the best that I could.

It helps not having tv in my home.  It's as if I can hear not just feel my hunger.  (metaphorically speaking)

Anyway I am down over a pound and just a pound away to my lowest that I regained after Mother's Day.

I'll just keep doing what I have been doing.
Friday, May 20th, 2016
2:39 pm
A fine matriarch

My mother associates the card with "watching Hillary" with me because she associates politics with me.
The summer before 5th grade I used to call her on the phone at her job to tell her what John Dean was testifying.
It has nothing to do with memory loss.  It is her aspergers.  She associates certain themes with certain people and it is hard to get her head around someone else having that interest.
The place where she is has done amazing things recently.  I don't know what they ahve done but moving her and putting her by higher functioning people has allowed her to become lucid and know where she is.
I knew she needed more support, I never would have done it the way it was done to her.
And then when I gave her a choice the patriarch got on the phone at the hospital and hissed that I would never see her again.
]I am glad to be out of that family.
I am a matriarch for myself.
No one will be whispering in my ear ttrying to orchestrate a perfect Christmas.
I do have memories of joyful Christmases 16 years ago but after that, it went down hill to depression there.

2:22 pm
I called Mom

I called Mom to tell her that I would be there tomorrow.

She said, 'Oh, good, I was in a downer this morning and this called cheered me up."
I asked her what was wrong and she said "it's been a long stretch."

I asked, 'You mean from seeing me."
She said, "Yes."

I said, "I can come tonight."
She said, 'No, you come tomorrow."

I don't know if her power of attorney is holding my mail from her becuase he held the one that my cousin addressed for me with her address and then he stopped on main street of Shullsburg to allegedly  tell her before Christmas, "Hey, if you want to know where Mom is I can tell you, but you should know that Terri is using your address.  Merry CHristmas"  and he reportedly sped off.

She said it felt like an act of intimidation.

And so Mom never got that note to call me through Cath.

Who does that?  Not Bub Doyle's child, biologically his but not spiritually his.

And then God showed me magnificence at Christmas when I was coming through for Annie because of her ever joy I looked up her address and found that Kaufmann Avenue was parallel with Asubry I called the place that I was sure she was not at and I found her on Christmas Eve.

What a Christmas Story and I know my dad led me to her because it would have been her first Chrsitmas Eve without anyone.  So the power of attorney had the police called.

So before Mother's Day there was an incidnet where the power of Attorney's wife attempted to roll my mother away from me.  They had done their best to use the stereotypes that they could use and now today on the phone my mother told me, "Your favorite nurse just went by."  The woman became my favorite nurse.  I like her so much.  She was just trying to protect my mother.
I have counteracted the reports that the God Squad tells of me by sending emails like "I feel bad I screamed at Mom but when she starts talking......"

Anyway I was told by the Ombudsman that the wheel chair kidnapper was now only to have limited visits with my mother because that was out of line.
And that's good because the woman is a downer.
She kept saying that my mother could not walk until she got her into a wheel chair.
They go into a place and they look for what is wrong they do not build on strengths.

So they showed on the Saturay before MOther's Day after not showing since that incident in March and they went to Minnesota to spread gossip and you all deserve each other, okay.

So I figured they are on my phone and I said that if things didn't change I was going to elder abuse not on teh place the place is fabulous and they showed.

She needed that.
She keeps the power of attorney because she loves him (I don't, I can't stand him, who is he to yellat me for years and now his children and his Godfather's children all think violence like that is normal)  This yelling and screaming and shoutiong started way before the Jesuit/FBI fiasco.

She keeps him as the p.o.a because she doesn't think he will show up any other way.  He's a shunner.

And so I said today on my phone, If she is not getting my cards I am going to elder abuse on him.  He kept the Christmas card but knowing his high powered attrney friend defends rapists for the NFL well I am aware that my facebook and email and or phone can be compromised and I told my cousin don't write me anytjhing about it or call me

So I didn't find out that he didn't give my mother the card addressed to her by my cousin until after my dad led me to my mother on CHristmas Eve.

So today I ask Mom, "Did you get any of my cards?"  I asked her after she said it was a long haul.
There was a plumbing incident in the house where I was in the middlle of the night that kept me up on Saturday night so I didn't have it in me to go to Dubuque on Sunday.

She said, "I got the card where you and the power of attorney had them have me listen to Hillary."
So that told me, oh there is a chance that they are listening into my phone and that the female god squad leader is documenting that they are in contact.
She is a control freak like him.
Last summer he told me all of these things that she told him about mom; she fails to tell the things she says first that are outrageious and cruel.  I can't stand her.  She's cold and heartless and my dad said, she's not sentimental.
Of course my mother did not help that situation because the mentor slappled me across the face at a basketball game when I was 4 and my dad yelled down, "Hey, what's going on down there."
And my mother said, 'Your other daughter just hit your favorite daughter."
She never hit the golden child.
And she and the other god squad mentor would give me so much crap for being "Daddy's favorite."

  I know the cruel and unfair things they have said of my mother.  And they never got that my saying nothing did not mean I agreed with them.

So I said, "That must have been your other daughter I have nothing to do with him."

Mom said, "Well I know that."
So I don't know if he has given orders to hold up my cards like he did at Chrsitmas when I told her how much i loved her and I thanked her for teachingt me how to go on.


But you see the other daughter is a control freak like the other 2 in the God squad and she talks at my mom not with her or to her.

My mother says of Bernie Sanders, "He sounds presidential."
Of Hillary she says, "She tries to sound like a man."
Oh my god I;'ll have to vote for her but her speeches make me feel like I'd rather lsiten to someone scratch their nails against the chalk board.

I told Mom last year that when I was with Beatriz in Miami and Patrick was there I said back in the 80's, "If I got married I would just want it between the person and me."

And Patrick asked, "Wouldnt you want your family there?"

I shook my head no.
Mom said to my story , "They would just come in and take over."
I loved Beatriz, we were so close and she is the one who taught me, "Sometimes you just have to close your eyes and go."
The cruelty of what all of them have done to my mother and to me is not lost on me.
The only one I would want contact with is Patrick but he has this notion of family that I don't have becuase I know their gossip games.
I love him.

There was a moment when Alejandra was taken to Colombia to grow up and Patrick and I were riding on Oakland by UW Milwaukee and I was going to get him some bread to take back to North Carolina from the Great Harvest Bread Company in Whitefish Bay and he was processing past things from Beatriz and Mom missed Alejandra so much that I could not say how I felt about Beatriz and I whispered to his pain, "I loved her."

Patrick stopped the car and  said, "Oh, Terri, she loved you, too."

It was the kindest thing he ever did for me becuase he forgot his pain to tend to me.

I know your gossip the rest of you and I never want to see any of you again.

But I have a quiet dream orf seeing Patrick if he would just let the notion of having to talk about family to me.

10:01 am
The wonders of their minds
This morning I asked the kids to say five things that they are.

The child who said he loved me yesterday but sometimes hates me said, "I am a tree."

I asked, "what kind of tree?"

He said, " A spikey tree."

I said, "oh so people better not try to hurt you."

He said, I am a flower

I asked, "What kind of flower?"
He pointed to a dozen roses and said, "That kind."

I said, "oh so you have thorns in spite of your beauty."

Then he said, 'I am the world.

Then he said, "I am the unvierse."

When it was time to go and I was taking his sibling with me he followed me to the car to tell me about the experiment they were doing at school and how he was going to design and air plane and it would have lights and eventuallly he would fly the plane.

The wonder of their minds fill me each day.
9:12 am
Moving Along !
Back on track, at least getting there.

I gained after Mother's Day but then I regrouped and felt my feelings and voila I just have to get to 3 pounds down and I am on to the next step.

I went to Harbor today and I walked, danced in the corner while the others did Zumba but no one could see me and then I pedaled the stationary bike all in 20 miutes so here comes 2 hours of free focus.
8:14 am
The wonders of body movement
Fabulous morning.

The sun change/light change of the season has added to an already abundance of energy and so I thought about the person who told me 20 minutes of exercise can give 2 hours of focus.

So I wondered, "I wonder if 5 minutes of exercise would give 30 minutes of focus.".

So I asked 3 of them to see how many jumping jacks and the one with the most energy did 100 and it helped all of them; it was one of the easiest breakfasts in a long time.

They still had their fun energy but it was tamed by their earlier out put.

They had no idea why I had them do the jumping jacks
Thursday, May 19th, 2016
10:27 pm
Survival doesn't have the luxury
of whining about balancing work and fmaily.  That is what Gloria Steinem Feminist like Debbie Wasserman Schultz don't get.

https://wassermanschultz.house.gov/latest-news/rep-wasserman-schultz-worklife-balance-can-be-difficult-but-is-critical/

Went through a McDonald's Drive Thru today and I did not ask the cashier as I got my unsweetened tea, so how is it going working two jobs and tending to the family.

These are concerns of the Gloria Steinem Feminists, an elite group that don't get it.

I am not against people with money, my best friend at Clarke was from Japan and her father owned a major corporation.

Yesterday some kids told me they were going on a Disney World Cruise and I was so happy for them.

I am just tired of Gloria Steinem Whine-em feminists who look down on working class women and act as if their working a job is something special.  It isn't.

Women and men do it every day and their teenagers often work and support the family as well.
9:42 pm
Fine Writing
I just started watching GRACE AND FRANKIE on Netflix.  Cath lets me use her netflix and I had no idea what it was about I only went to it because of the actors and oh the writing is so fine !

Actors have so many chances now to act with the explosion of cable and things like that.
1:40 pm
Uber betrays its own drivers
In Pittsburgh Uber is trying a cab/car that has no driver.

I understand that the driverless cars are demanding to be unionized.

(joke about the union)
1:36 pm
I am.........
I cut off my cable last night.

Today I walked in the pool and relaxed in the lounge area of Harbor and read magazines.

It's a change for the better.

This morning I asked some kids to tell me 5 thigns that they are.

I am ....

And most of them fire things off and it is interesting that none of them tells the other, 'No you're not, I am."

I hope it is a lesson in that we have to tell ourselves who we are.

Also, people don't necessarily know that the highets relapse happens in AA when people focus on the two steps that look at our defects.

I have no reason to be in AA I know tha statistic fromt my work.

Anyway the yougest boy started shouting things off and he went past 5 and he put up a finger for each item and generally I echo what they say such as  "I am creative."  I say, 'You are so creative."

Well, he said on number 7, "I love you!"  I said, "You are loving."

Then he shouted instantly "And sometimes I hate you."

I was not going to say, "You are hateful"

I laughed and said, 'Sometimes I hate myself."

Then, he went on with another one.  He was not happy with me because I scooted him out of the kitchen when the slow pokes were taking their time he wanted to socialize.

The goal of the morning is to get them out the door.  In spite of it, we have fun !
Wednesday, May 18th, 2016
1:45 pm
FANGED
For the feminists who do not get the working class

I watch the women bark like men,
the Gloria Steinem feminists who
spy on the Bernie Sanders geeks
too much following of the Bill of
Rights threatens democracy of
the patriarchal kind, burnsters.
Debbie Wasserman Schultz pulls
out her paddle, she stones her
face into a man's authority, she
lets them know she will spank them
in her tone, there is a process, she
claims,  if someone is not happy
with the results but freedom of
speech no matter how pretty or
ugly will not be tolerated, is that
understood, her fangs show with
her practiced smile she grew in
the mirror every morning that she
whitened her teeth with power.
I look at these women whining about
protesters from the disenfranchised
class, and I think, "Without bra
BERNING protesters you would not
be standing there practicing your well
learned patriarchy."  She smiles more.

t.doyle
5/18/16
Gloria Steinem spied for the CIA on people who would have supported Bernie Sanders.  That's how she climbed.  She was just a poor factory workers child and she has done every thing to cover up that shame, women like her think power is the way to do that.

I just googled Wasserman Schultz who has been undemocratic in this whole process and yes I am going to vote for Hillary but fair is fair.  Well Mika B. is asking for her resignation.

http://www.bing.com/search?q=Debbie+Wasserman+Schultz&src=IE-TopResult&FORM=IETR02&conversationid=&pc=EUPP_
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