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|Wednesday, July 1st, 2015|
|Finding my way back to my novels
I am tired.
I have to find a place from which to write. I want to go away on an island and the island has to be found within myself.
I have novels to finish.
I am tired.
It's okay with me if Mom doesn't want to move.
But I don't want to talk about it for months. I am just exhausted from all of this.
Beatriz enjoyed her mind. I loved Beatriz. We were great friends.
My last time in Miami happened when Alejandra was in 2nd grade and making her first communion. I stood in what is now my condo telling Beatriz when Alejandra was in a high chair, "I don't care where she is in Miami or Colombia but I want to be at her first communion."
So I get there and we headed to a park to listen to music with other people. Beatriz had a cover on the ground and she said, "Terri, lay back and look at the stars."
Alejandra came running up to the blanket with a group of friends and she said, "This is my Aunt Terri and she is crazy ! "
Now, I am just tired.
I love my mom. I love her mind. I love her thinking. It's different from mine. And she is vulnerable because she has aspergers.
She is the only one who was there for me through this stalking.
Beatriz was a huge gift to mom and to me. Brilliant, educated and funny. She could make me laugh. I miss her.
I am just alone in my love for my mother.
Twyla loves her.
I think Patrick loves her.
Beatriz loved her.
Beatriz who lived with a heart condition and died early said, "Sometimes you just have to close your eyes and go."
I am going.
|Tuesday, June 30th, 2015|
I have been emotionally exhausted. I am not taking the disrespect anymore from family including in laws.
But my sister Maripat was there for a decade as well as her husband. I will give back.
Her son, John, never forgot who I was like others do.
I am not paranoid; my privacy is violated and even Jesuits have access to it.
I had a wonderful day at the club with the kids.
It started at 9. I encouraged one child to read per his dad's instructions. I found that if he got distracted if I read one paragraph he wanted to see what happened in the next so he would read out loud eagerly.
He did it ! An hours worth of reading.
Then, home with him and his swimming sister.
They did math and I was to prompt them.
It was like a scene out of a movie ; the two of them colluded together to trick me on something, but I knew what they were doing.
Then, the boy had a question in math, under fairness if there were 3 of you and only 2 cupcakes what would you do? And with all sincerity he said that he would send his parent out to get more.
So he decided that he would split one cupcake 3 ways and save the other for the next day.
Then after math prompting.
They ate and then it was 4 of them back to the club.
I watched them swim and the parent wrote "get something for lunch, please" It's so expensive there that I usually just eat what the kids don't eat as in a grilled cheese or mozzarella sticks, but the kids had eaten at home.
So I ordered a chef salad.
Two kids left for camp and the other two stayed with me and I was there all day and I was happy. I watch them. They are alive and fun. And they are socializing now and people like them.
So my brother left messages that mom has decided to move. The people across from her keep turning it into a junk yard and she said to me tonight, "I thought of Aunt Thelma and she avoided things and that is getting me madder and madder so I am moving."
I was moved.
I cried all day yesterday; I persevered with expectations that were on me but I cried. I got home and I wrote my Aunt Mary a letter. She is dead. I wrote her my heart.
Last night, I had a dream that my body was changing. And then I found a moth on it and I picked it off and it was not appealing to do so. It was in the dream.
Then, this morning when I went to meet the kids I opened my door and there was a moth fluttering wildly trying to get out of the hall window. I said, "That is weird."
I have never seen a moth there.
When the corrupt of the Jesuits misuse their power to demonize and destroy a woman leaving her with nothing a woman finds out that nature reaches out to her with signs.
No, those who want to claim I am paranoid are above all that. They don't see life as a miracle and a place of wonder.
I thought as I left the frantic moth, "why am I having that synchronicity with the moth in my dream and at the window?"
I found out today when my brother called to say mom wants to move that I then knew it was a sign from my Aunt Mary speaking in metaphor to me because I get metaphor that change and transformation is going to happen.
And this link and words spoke on the moth in my hour of darkness: "Philosophically speaking, night creatures do not tumble in the dark, and neither do humans. We use our dreams, our awareness, and our deeper, inner knowing to navigate through the darkest hours of our lives.
Faith is another tool we use to move through shadowy times of uncertainty, and the moth also shares this aspect. The moth never questions provision. She has complete faith that all of her needs will be meet each night."http://www.whats-your-sign.com/animal-symbolism-moth.html
And right as my brother called to leave the message three sparrows came a foot away from me at the club and a trinity of birds has been a sign for me. And a woman told me that birds can represent angels.
The fact that my mother told me tonight that she thought of her Aunt Thelma tells me that the divine influenced my mother as she turned to a memory/vision of her beloved aunt and I turned to my beloved aunt.
Today, I rested in paradise with kids who never bore me. They are not self absorbed; they don't whine, they question, they challenge and they laugh. I find them to be fabulous.
They are going on a trip and one parent told me that the other parent can't find the passport.
I said, "I will say a Catholic prayer for you." I smiled because I have never said anything like that.
On my mother's side we are related to St. Anthony and I prayed, "Tony, Tony look around something's lost and must be found."
They are Jewish.
They make my world huge. I leave my home and go five minutes away and I enter a huge world.
One of them said, "REmember the chicken tenders, Teresa?"
They were having a heated a discussion on what one of them should eat.
Trying to mollify them I said, "Get chicken tenders."
They looked at me in shock and said in Unison, "They aren't kosher."
I put my head in my hands.
You should hear them try to teach me speak Spanish.
I am grateful to God for the people I encounter on a weekly or biweekly basis. They are all so fine.
|An epistle to Father Grummy Bear
Well, you made your decision. They mocked me more last night and you want a book. You see I will publish it on line for free and let people read it for free.
I don't care about money.
It will never include any former employer even if I didn't like the employer.
Nope, you and Dick and Karl's friends......
I like the part where you claim to be chosen. A chosen one and I will get permission to quote from Joyce Carol Oates whose husband graduated from Marquette High School and she wrote how he and his peers at the school were treated as if they were chosen and an arrogance came forth.
I told Annice of Dick back when I was 19, "He's condescending."
She said, "he is but he is a good guy."
No, he's arrogant.
With you chosen white men products of Jesuits, comes this expectation that women are to listen to your lives and your stories and about your friends. And you level as being superior to the listener because all of you make it sound like it's an exclusive club.
I say, thank god, because there are few Jesuit graduates I can stand.
I have never been known to be a liar. And for my family to think I am making this up, they think I am paranoid. Final straw. These people went every where Clarke, Shullsburg, Madison , Milwaukee ....... and I will get the truth out.
So congratulations I'll enjoy writing the book.
|Monday, June 29th, 2015|
|Dear Grummy Bear
Now here is the deal, you call them off of me and there will not be a second book.
Now, I don't care what any one in my family thinks, I will write the second book if you don't call them off, you got it.
And I will name dick and write more than I have written here.
Leave us alone and leave the people in my building alone.
Now, this is how it will go, they will stream operatives out in front of me today hoping I will blow.
Oh, no, it will be my sign to write.
Isn't it funny, first you did everything you could to show I was crazy and now you do everything you can including with the dr. who tried to get me on the most addictive med next to oxycotin. She was theirs.
Um, the diagnosis came before I met the great novice3 master. And you have tried to use the vulnerable points of that illness to try to destroy me.
And now they want to say that it isn't there because I can pull it together when I write.
In 1986 I had nothing but a half page article from Time Magazine that listed the poets that they believed were manic depressives.
The stigma of carrying that diagnosis was profound. At that time there was not much on it and there were not the medications.
I wanted to be a poet since I could remember.
That article gave me hope.
Now, Ted told Patrick all those years ago when I would write him of Dick, "Her letters are just so good I can't quit reading."
So you choose, and go ahead and doubt, either call them off or you and Dick get a special place in a second book.
You are a poser, a careerist. You took the work that Bert Thelen did to include women as partners and you went the other way so you could climb.
And the thing is that the women who read here that know Dick, know what I say is true.
Oh, Dick another martyrdom for you.
His mother used to read the idealized lives of the Saints to him and he wanted to be the saints. But Dick's shortcomings showed themselves early.
He could not stick up for the kids on the playground in 4th grade; he had to be with the popular kids.
Here's the difference, when I was in 2nd grade the teacher picked me to be the captain all of the time and I didn't know why until I got older and figured it out.
I never told anyone at the time that it killed me that people were left for last, the same people were left for last, it killed me. And yet I had a sense that I had to pick them sporadically early on so no one would know what I was doing.
There is the difference between Dick and me.
He can never do the right thing. He can't even tell you to call this off that you started. And by the way I have you tape Grummy bear.
Bring on your lawyers I'll put that in the 2nd book too.
You have choice, call them off or have a 2nd book. I mean it.
Control freaks and critics amaze me with their lack of insight on humanity.
Critics can not transform anything, they can only bulldoze, take control of the situation so they don't have to worry any more. They can look to see what would be in the person's best interest.
There is a problem, and by god we are going to fix it. Problems cause them anxiety and they can't deal with their anxiety.
I am grief stricken.
The woman from the meals on wheels called to tell me that they have found 2 meals un eaten by mom. One of them was pasty. Pasty is a local dish in Shullsburg that goes back to its mining identity. Nobody misses a meal of pasty in Shullsburg. It's serious.
I thanked the woman who was kind to call.
I wrote Twyla what happened.
I am grief stricken. This tells me my body is picking up more reality than my consciousness is allowing.
I have this to deal with along with their stalking me. Last night the main operative was in 16 so Skinny made sure he was gone but his condo mate gave away in her walk how awful he has made it for them. I knew when he moved in that he was an operative, I could tell.
Then the other operatives came out.
The last doctor I had tried to show that I was not bipolar. Oh, thank you Dr. Control Freak from India the FBI loves you.
She was the best the FBI ever had.
Mom said, "Terri, you should report her."
I said, 'I don't have to the clinic heads read my live journal because the FBI went into the clinic."
Oh they thought I would disclose that someone in the building was telling me things.
They go wherever I go.
Now, the game is to show that I do not have bipolar because I am high functioning.
I work every day to maintain my stability. Every day.
I asked my mom, "Is anybody coming for the 4th because if they are I am leaving."
On Mother's Day I experienced a violence that I never want to experience again.,
Why should I?"
None of them want to experience Mom's mood changes.
Why should I subject myself to be around people who have done nothing for me but criticize behind my back and tell siblings what a cult leader told her. Well I don't live off of my mother's credit card.
After she dies it's "see you guys"
Patrick makes me laugh. I am not talking jokes he tells, I am talking these spontaneous moments where something happens.
Michele once looked at a family photo and said, "You and Patrick look like the fun ones."
I just love to laugh with him.
He's a great dad and his two kids love him.
The problem comes in when he speaks of family. He likes them. I don't. I have no reason to like them.
Now, I am about to lose my family, my mom.
And they come in ordering around treating her like a damn object (oh that's on their twice a year visits.)
She is the reason any of them are anything.
She believed in education. I was home schooled. I showed up to public school when I missed my friends but it was the conversations with her that schooled me.
And I know she can be complicated
I hate that fucking Jesuit. I want them to let me go.
Well the white males of the family would be so grateful because they are all so embarrassed.
But not Patrick. Patrick is the genius.
Again, I don't live off of MY mother's credit card like my biggest critic who caused me so many problems does.
I am broken. I can feel her slipping away from me.
And then I have these creeps on me who want to show that I am not bipolar.
Um, the dr. who diagnosed me at 19 said to my mother, "It seems to hit the super bright."
Okay you keep working on showing the world that I am not that bright. You have been on me for 17 years and you are still trying to show the world that I am not that bright.
Leave my mother alone.
Leave me alone.
I assure you that in the 2nd book (oh I will only write of Karl's friends and the likes of you) I will name you. I will write of what you said of your family.
You mess with mine.
In your mother's obituary; you wrote it, because it has the same jargon you use all of the time and oh you needed them to know you are a Jesuit and your father's successful brother's family was part of your family.
I didn't like you the first time I met you.
And your people harass my mother when she is struggling so all if fair in war, right?
I will name you and I am so looking forward to our Grummy Bear becoming the Le Poop Noir !
|Sunday, June 28th, 2015|
|Personal Power versus External Power
I took a test today and it assessed me and said "You are a self sufficient adventurer."
I believe that.
I drove to Shullsburg because I was on the West Side and I decided I would come back tomorrow.
I got her watching the movie, A FEW GOOD MEN.
I said, "You liked this when we saw it in the 90's."
My younger brother, Mom and I saw it in Milwaukee.
So I was teasing her as she was coming down the steps from using the bathroom and she said, "Will you be quiet, I am listening to this."
We teased each other.
I was grateful that something caught her interest.
I told her that since she likes the movie that I will leave and come back to do more things tomorrow.
I cut up her steak so she can heat it up.
And she is happy and engaged.
I told her that I suspect Jim Grummer reads here and is affected because he has done away with his comb over. I wrote here that it is a sign of a man who has shame (sense of defect) issues when he wears a fig leaf or I mean a comb over especially when he is a priest.
Well, he seems to have lost weight and he did away with the comb over.
He is ready to be Le POOP NOIR.
His success is my success as a writer.
4 months and counting !
Aren't you glad you got the FBI on me, dear cult.
You know a place is a cult because if you leave or question them they come after you and aim to destroy you.
eh, Jesus likes me.
|Your operative and zuchini noodles
Your operative has had the window open and the smoke comes to my condo when he is in the back bedroom monitoring me.
He heard me talking about it last night. And then it happened this morning and I said it again so he shut the window.
Weekends are really his thing. His condo mates go away and he monitors me and the building. He's waiting for me to say something about anyone in the building. It will never happen there is nothing to say.
And i assured your operatives (skinny and "It") that the East Side of Madison knows who they are so they are getting the attention they have wanted all of their lives.
Skinny really wanted to show me that I am not so smart.
So I said this morning, "hey you are smoking again, i can smell it."
He sits. he shits and he smokes. I want to do a neighborhood lottery on when his heart attack is coming.
I call him S 3 . You know S with the exponent 3.
The vegetti helped me get to my goals. I make zuchini noodles.
I sautee onions, mushrooms and then add the noodles to sautee for 3 to 5 minutes I don't like them drooping.
Then, I add a few walnuts (five grams of protein in a 1/4 cup of walnuts)
Then, I add tomatoes or tomato sauce and then parmesan cheese and I love it.
The maganese in the zuchini is so good for the body. I feel good physically when I eat it.
Sadly, I don't inspire S 3.
let's all pray for his conversion !
p.s. let's take a lottery to see if Skinny's condo mates go away next weekend; he loves reverse psychology. I love his predictability; it has been useful.
I am pleased that I made my goal for June. I told myself if I lost 8 more pounds that I would not have to join weight watchers. I don't want to spend the money and I joined a free group on facebook and the stories inspire and resonate in me so that I keep going.
The other thing I did was not go home to Mom's last weekend. She has been struggling and I thought if I go home I am going to eat to cope with it. I wanted to reach my goal.
And then, yesterday I put off going until today and I drank water last night.
She was doing fine by last night. I call her. She does not have the personality for a nursing home; nursing homes can be a place of abuse.
Twyla is an angel. I told her that I won't have any money to pay her this month and that she didn't have to go there. And she said that she goes there because Mom makes her feel better.
I think with Mom's children, Mom wants something back and she starts to list her complaints.
I finally told her on the phone the other, "We make choices and if we don't like the choice we can change things and choose differntly, if you don't like that company change companies." The implication was that do something or be quiet.
Then, I told her, "I am going to be alone at the end of my life because of the choices I have made and there isn't going to be any one there to help me."
I'll be fine. I have a personality that can deal with people but she has Aspergers and it is harder for her.
The last thing I want to do is sit around with siblings and bitch about Mom.
The siblings that never show up and when they see me all they want to do is bitch about mom, I have no time for bitchers.
That's why i like my nephews they can talk about ideas and wonder.
My youngest brother has a gift of naming the issue and then saying, "You take the good with the bad."
If he had no entered to handle her finances I would be a total wreck. She was all over the place on them.
Dad asked that we be there for her. I love and loved my dad so much.
And I love my mom. Last night she was back to herself again which in the field we called, "the base line."
I am getting a med evaluation for her from someone who deals with geriatric people.
During the week I have the privilege of being around good and solid people who are kind and respectful toward me.
One woman said her Grandmother is in a home and that she has always been a nightowl and the nursing home gets her ready for bed at 7 p.m.
I said that I think the baby boomers will change nursing homes.
I also said that when I worked at the crisis stabilization house as a clinician that there was a punishing parts of the staff who would want to move clients out of their rooms for punishment and put them in a new room. I said, "I thought, 'would you want to be moved from your home without notice'?"
Mom is safer in her home.
I love her. She gives me ideas for my writing life just by talking.
But when she gets lost in negative symptoms I just had to get self protective or I would have eaten to cope.
I want to make my goals of healthy living.
Today I will stay with her and we will laugh. Because I am in a place that even if she exhibits negative symptoms I can tease her out of them.
It's when I am vulneralbe that I have trouble.
It was really hard on me to visit her last weekend.
My younger brother told me, "you don't have to go there all of the time."
He has helped the situation immensely.
|Saturday, June 27th, 2015|
|Healing at Harbor
I got into a really sad place inside over the stalking the past 24 hours.
I participated in a Pilates and Ai Chi class in the water.
My heal has hurt the past few days and by moving and stretching the pain went away.
Harbor remains a holy place for me.
And now onto the rest of my life.
|Don't waste my time on Moral Mediocrity
I have a radar on who would know me and who wouldn't.
When I saw that table at Clarke, I said, "Oh, I want to be part of that table."
I never thought it would happen.
I didn't try to make it happen. It happened.
The only other time I have had that kind of feeling of wanting to know someone from that radar place inside of me was the guy below.
I thought, "Oh, I want to know that guy."
Now, you want to know how I know you are on me. He would totally know me. Totally.
And the fact that he has nothing to do with me tells me you are on me.
So keep him from me, it tells me you are on me.
Oh, are you going to have me know him?
Well, I am never speaking of this to him or anyone.
I get incredibly sad. I mention something in my mother's house and it shows up missing.
She tells me, "Terri, I felt like someone was in here the other night."
I now have her lock her doors.
I think you have the people across the way keep their junk yard alive the way you have "It' create a junk yard on our porch.
It is a peacefucker.
You know, one of those types from Willy Street that carry the banner and sign they think everyone wants them to carry and then when it comes to taking a stand "IT" and they can't.
It had a powerful moment coming out knowing I was sad yesterday hoping I would blow.
Here is the deal. Dick was a dick to me.
I took it until I was 25 and then I told him, "You love like a teenager."
He said, "I expected more from you than that"
Oh, Father Dick wanted to shame me.
Never, could the man say, "I am sorry."
He's the type that will say "I am sorry IF I hurt you...."
He can't feel; he has no empathy.
One time my first year at Marquette, he was so rude to me in a counseling session I told Annice. She is a Vice President at Columbia in Chicago now.
She said, "I would have gotten up and walked out of there."
I thought, "Oh, he never would have done that to you."
I thought there was something wrong with me.
So this stalking has been based on my protest of his abuse.
And you think I am going to blow up or stalk Karl's friends?
I don't waste my time on moral mediocrity.
|Four Months closer to Jim Grummer, SJ becoming the Le Poop Noir
It's getting closer.
Those of you who have enjoyed this stalking and harassment can take credit in his climb.
And for those of you who doubt the constant harassment of the people in the building, I envy your simple lives.
So the dude who is a horrible actor has made it seem like he is in different condos.
It doesn't matter where he is, if it's not him, it's someone else.
But at its core is a great novice master who doesn't like that I found his exact opposite in that the guy is not for show, he doesn't talk, he just lives it out. I will never be as good as he is to the earth. I am better than I was but I still have a way to go.
The great novice master is a control freak.
He told his mother when she was 80, "Mother, if you don't clean up this place, I am not going to visit."
He shuns people who do not do what he thinks they should do.
I was naïve at 19 when I met him. An R.A. named Dan decided he did not want to be an R.A. at the Y which Marquette rented from floor 12 through 18.
I remember that the R.A said, 'Hi, Dick."
And Dick wouldn't respond. He glared at him.
Can you imagine? Dick was 39 years old and because a Senior in college decided to opt out of the cult's ways Dick shunned him.
Hey, Dick, do me a favor shun me and get your goons out of our lives.
You stalk the writer below and the writer above.
He is one of the few male eco feminists in the world. He has a Phd in thinking, well you weren't the brightest thing.
I said to my Clarke friend, "He wasn't very smart."
She said, "Obviously."
And I asked, "Why do you say that?"
And she said, "Because he couldn't handle you."
Now the other writer wrote for Mother Jones in D.C. before she returned to Wisconsin to get a teaching degree from the UW (the guy below did that, too; he has 4 degrees.)
And so your people stalk them.
Now, I don't know them. And you don't want me to know him because you already know that if Jesus returned he'd return as an eco feminist like the guy below.
And Jealousy is your thing.
You went wherever I loved and now you and Jimbo said in your goons to the places I love.
So let's all give thanks for the crud in the hood who will be part of the homophobic cover up so that Dick's friend can be the next Black Pope.
Believe me we are waiting and watching for the Le Poop Noir !
p.s. so many thinkers and talkers connected outside of Madison have been informed of this blog. Keep up the outing of your order.
No wonder Bert Thelen bravely left in disgust ! He's the Jesuit who told me when I exposed what was being done in the name of homophobia, "Teresa, you know when to do the right thing." So did he, he left your order for freedom. http://ncronline.org/blogs/ncr-today/veteran-jesuit-explains-choice-return-lay-life
|Thursday, June 25th, 2015|
|Scott Walker argues that Equal pay pits women against men
My wonderful cousin (foley-Doyle) posted this on facebook: http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2015/06/23/scott_walker_and_equal_pay_he_says_it_pits_women_against_men.html
The article is a gem because he is quoted as saying the democrats like to pit people against each other and yet he is the one who said to the FAKE Koch brother that he wanted to divide and conquer.
I want a first lady with his wife's name: Tonette.
Her dad a hair stylist in the 50's for women channeld his repressed homosexuality into naming her with a name that made sure she could always get work as a prostitute. He named her after a hair color.
And Walker is 12 years younger than his wife and he met her at 23 when he had to resign from Marquette with many credits but no where near a degree.
He was forced to resign or be kicked out for underhanded politics.
So he lived off of his wife in those early years.
|I have been in Paris
This is the week that I return to Paris in my mind and heart each year.
I went there at this time of year before my senior year in high school. We got there with jet lag at Monmatre.
I said to the companions sleeping on the bus, "I am getting off, I may never get back here."
And my French teacher told me later, "I got off of the bus because you said that."
I never did get back there. I went back to other parts of Europe. Each time Salzburg Austria was my favorite before I knew that the Sound of Music was filmed there.
Each time Vienna felt painful to my skin. so Patriarchal in structure ( I can name it now.) I tried to like it but I hated it, it's as ugly as Milwaukee, Wi.
So I got off of the bus to explore Monmarte and Sacre Couer. And I found people on the steps from different countries singing to the Beatles in their own languages while a guitarist played.
And then, I saw a huge double rainbow over Paris.
The Parisians were good to me. I would attempt their language and they would speak English.
This year I had no hopes of experiencing Paris within myself and then this big surprise happened I spent parts of the last two weeks at the Maple Bluff Country Club pool side. It is beautiful there.
I said to the 3rd grade girl, "It's like we are on are own island here." The trees cover everything.
And she said, "Imagine that there is war and people fighting on the outside and here we are at peace."
These kids make my world full of wonder. They have such curiosity and they aren't followers so it's alive with them.
Then, my friend from Madison wants me to come to see her house she bought with her nursing degree. This is the friend who told me, "Teresa, you were the first person who told me that I could go to college."
She went. She conquered and moved up in the V.A. her first year as a transplant specialist.
She just wrote me, Wait til you see my garden.
This has been an unexpected Paris this year.
|Wednesday, June 24th, 2015|
I asked my sister in law if her 2 boys knew of the Masters winner, Jordan age 21.
She said that they are so into him and have autographed photos from the John Deer Invitational and that my brother gives her a hard time for referring to the winning golfer as "Jordan" as if he is a next door neighbor.
My brother e mailed me a photo of the oldest of the two boys walking in front of Jordan last year. And the look on my nephew's face is precious.
I love this nephew. He is so Irish and he is sensitive and brilliant and I am not supposed to say he is brilliant but he really is but more importantly he is a great kid.
The same can be said of his brother. They are best of friends.
They like the kids in the morning lift my heart.