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Friday, July 31st, 2015
12:45 pm
The first time I saw art at the Overture
I was working with adults who suffered from severe and persistent mental illness.

I told them I would meet them at the entrance of the Overture Center, you know where the triangle comes to a point.

I walked upstairs in the midst of people who typically dress up for art but in fact never would be able to be present to a Van Gogh or any other kind of visual artist with angst.

I looked down from the balcony and I saw three men sitting/standing.

I said, "They are the art."

They were the three adults I had taken out in the community.

This is what Paul Soglin wants to remove from State Street. Diversty includes mixing all kinds of people from all kinds of economic backgrounds.

Keep suburbia in suburbia , we want all kinds on state street and if you are going to publicize how many homeless were drunk on state street publicize the UW students, too.
12:35 pm
Getting stuff out so I don't eat
I don't want to talk about this.

I wrote about it and I am going on.
12:34 pm
It can be hard dealing with Aspergers in the Elderly
I am exhausted.

I made the mistake of calling Mom last night after I found out that a professional spoke well of me and that helped me to possibly have more interaction with kids.

Well she ranted about my younger brother having control of her money.

I said, 'I just called to tell you good news."

I used to keep it in.

Recently we had a swing from the past with money issues hitting her and I felt all the old panic feelings.

She always dumped on me.

She asked me last night, "Doesn't it make you feel good to bitch?"

I said, 'No, it doesn't."

I don't like listening to people feel sorry for themselves over the same thing over and over.

The best moment of my week was that gardener woman sharing the wonder of a pea pod with me.

I once told Monica after Clarke that there were so many financial problems while I was at Clarke and I just kept it to myself.

And she said, "That was so smart."

I am exhausted.

I drove to Platteville this morning to get a med change for her and hopefully it works because I am tired.

I am not going to sacrifice my writing for her need to bitch.

You see bitchers take care of themselves, they always do. I don't like to commiserate.

They want you to listen to the same old same old and they don't listen to you. I am done with complainers.

I don't like the part of me that has shut down, I am cold right now toward her out of a sense of defense.

I am hoping this med change helps.

I get to be around kids and they are so present to the moment.

I had another great moment yesterday. I told my younger brother, "Do not call her."

I love her but I don't love the blaming.

I know it comes from a sense of shame/defect but I didn't want her ranting at him.

Before he came on board I was completely out of my mind.

#1. She doesn't respect my math mind and the checking account was a mess. (Math is not my passion but she doesn't give me any authority; he has authority)

2. I was dealing with her telling me money problems just like old times and I want out of that.

So I want him in this doing the bills.

One time I told him my monthly condo payment and he shot right back what my actual mortgage was. He has that kind of a mind. I said, "The bank didn't tell me that."

So I feel bloated like I weigh ten more pounds than I did yesterday because when she goes on about money I swell. I become inflamed.

I love her, but I am not going to listen to her complain during the week this Fall I have to be on the go from one place to another. I have to eat right. Continue to move my body and listen to the experiences of kids. They are fabulous beings.

She said to me last night, "Wait til you get old Terri and people think..."

I said, 'I deal with having a mental illness every day and how people treat me..."

I never used to talk back to her like that.

I wish I could shrug off the exhaustion.

I watch this show called Impractical Jokers and it cracks me up laughing and that helps me.

Yesterday my brother put his son on the phone. This 14 year old touches me right in the middle of my heart. He always has.

I literally can feel emotion in my heart.

He's a talented golfer. My brother is an executive and has to golf for business but it's not his passion.

I told my nephew that I think his dad should be my nephew's caddy.

And my nephew said that during the tournament yesterday that his dad kept handing him the right golf club without saying a word.

I said, "Oh, it's like how Grandpa Bub used to throw the football to your dad without saying a word."

I just love that nephew. When he was 3 I said, 'X, I think you are going to be a great writer someday."

And he said, "Well, I can spell a few words."

I laughed at my dream for his life. But he loved words young and he is a great writer

He's kind. My brother vented to me about mom's attitude and my nephew told him about me, "Make sure you tell her you love her."

This child is a gem. Just a gem.

My brother is extremely busy; he raises money so kids can go to college and he does not get a percentage; it's a love for him.

So I am hoping this med helps because I am not letting it affect my time with kids this Fall.
Thursday, July 30th, 2015
5:40 pm
I love Shullsburg and I love Madison
I have memories of joy and fun in both places with my dad.

I even have a funny memory of my dad in my condo; Beatriz was visiting Colombia so mom and dad were sleeping in Patrick and Beatriz' room and Patrick and I were sleeping in the living room and he said something about mom's need to get up out of bed over and over, "She's like a damn yo yo."

And Patrick and I started laughing.

My father gave me Shullsburg. It's my promise land.

Every time I see it as I drive there I feel joy.

It's where I saw Santa in the sky. We went to look for Santa on every Christmas Eve and my dad said, "There he is ! Look ! " And I looked up and I saw Santa and the sleigh with the reindeer.

Well, my mom and I were laughing the other night about when I was in kindergarden I woke up yelling that a ghost was in the room.

I woke up. A male figure was over me smiling and trying to tickle me and I screamed and I saw it go toward the closet. This was an old 13 room house.

Mom said, 'You said, no daddy, he's in the closet."

I said, "I remember saying, call Walker, call Walker." Walker was a cop from Galena and Scales Mound used Galena cops because we had no cops.

So there came the prayer that I said religiously, "Dear God, don't ever let me see an apparition because I couldn't handle it."

Except I got to see Santa and it took me until five years ago to realize that was the apparition I could handle.

I have this Shullsburg friend who is a classmate from there and she is out building tiny houses. She's in Dallas and when photos appear she is smiling and in joy.

It's just a wonderful place of people who engage with life ! I love it there and when I leave there to come to Madison I smile also.
10:21 am
Carrie Bennet-Barndt blames prices at McDonald's in Middleton and Hilldale on Worker's Wages
She has this sign, it's like a political sign and you read it before you order. And it says that the average wage of the workers is a little over 11 dollars and the prices reflect that.

I told my mom l that Carrie wants us to have a class experience at McDonald's, that's what the sign says, we want you to have a class experience.

I told my mom the wage information and she said, "She has to be averaging the managers pay in that."

I said, that's what I thought.

So I asked workers. I go there quite often through the drive through. I keep cereal in my car and I can get a milk or I get diet coke.

The workers looked befuddled. They do not even make $9.50.

I don't think Carrie Bennet-Brandt has class manipulating statistics.

Statistics don't lie people who misuse statistics lie. (old saying)
9:57 am
Feeling great !
I told Mom last night that though I have not dropped as many pounds as I wanted to do by now I feel good in my body.

I got on the scale today and it is going down, down down.

And I tried on a pair of pants I save to measure myself and they are getting looser, looser, looser.

So I put the pedometer on today.

Mom is low maintenance.

She told me to take some days for myself. I am going to work on my own place.

I love how I feel right now !
9:55 am
I forgot to mention Scott
Scott is someone with whom I maintain contact from Clarke.

He and Patrick were roommates and he and his wife open up their hearts and homes to Dylan and the band when they travel this way.

They are great people.

Scott is a fine, fine musician.

I was at their house last Fall and there is a grand piano and the band and Scott played together and it was like being at Clarke.

At Clarke there was art every where.

At Marquette there were crucifixes.

Art is about the resurrection, the lifting up of our spirits and hope.

Crucifixes are about suffering.

I loved Clarke.
Wednesday, July 29th, 2015
8:11 pm
Dylan is playing the Grateful Garcia Gathering at Midnight Friday
He called Mom today.


He told Mom he has a voice lesson with Mr. Lease this week.

Mom recalled my Mr. Lease moments on the phone today.

I said, "Yes, he would come into the Union and I would be hanging out there and he would say, 'hello, sister' and I would give him the finger. And he would laugh his melodious laugh."

I think of one of those conversations we had back then. His daughter was on a boat singing her way up the Mississippi, I think, and he said he told her if you don't make it before 20 you are not going to make it.

I said, "You shouldn't tell her that."

He said, "It's true."

So here is Dylan all of 17 going to Mr. Lease who studied at Julliard with a voice teacher.

I said to mom that anyone with any sense didn't get uppity about their talent in the Clarke Loras Singers because we all knew that he was the star.

He isn't Jewish but he used to be a Jewish Cantor in New York.

I told Mom, "I don't contact anyone from Clarke, this is too much for them."

I told her of this particular group of lesbians from Clarke who are offended because a nun told them that I was not pleased that Pat Nolan violated a student. She was a professor the student was an innocent Iowa farm girl. And in the early 80's the notion of Rock Hudson being gay was just coming out.

I said, "I think it's funny because here I am being stalked in the name of homophobia, and these lesbian women think I am awful."

I don't bring up this situation not even to Ted. It bores me really.

Carol Blitgen's teachings in the Philosophy of Art guided my life as a writer.

I am happy Dylan will get to meet Mr. Lease and that Mr. Lease will get to meet Dylan.

Mom said, "Dylan called to say that he is going to buy us lunch in New Diggins and I told him a couple of hot dogs would be fine."

Dylan is lovely. His dad and I are great friends. No one can make me laugh in the moment like Patrick can.

Patrick is kind to animals, so kind.

I have a cat problem, I don't like them. I don't want them to suffer but I don't like them.

I was out in Woodstock Land with Patrick in 2013 and he stopped to watch a cat in the window.

And on his farm in North Carolina he had these cats and they kept meowing by their feedbox so I would feed them.

Patrick said, "Terri, you have got to stop feeding these cats or they are not going to catch any mice."

I said, "But they are hungry."

And he said, "Terri, you are getting attached to these cats."

Well, as long as I don't have to touch them.

Hopefully Patrick can visit in October.

Today I told Mom , I don't have contact with people from Clarke except for Ted and Cath but it was a place where I got to be myself and I am grateful for that.

For you Jesuit groupies that read here, Mr. Lease knew me when the great novice master did. I flipped Mr. Lease off and well he laughed.

At the time Mari Yokota said to me with passion, "Terri, I love your spirit. "

The novice master is still trying to kill it using the FBI.

I have nothing more to say about the Incarnation of Inertia.
7:05 pm
Conservative Catholics want Mike Hucklebee for Pope
It's true. They can't stand Pope Francis. Well, he has brought in that disgusting word, justice for the poor and the earth. Before it was just justice for the careerists and the corporations.

This post does not have anything to do with the Iran deal; I am not sure I like it. I don't trust Iran. I read the book, READING LOLITA IN TEHRAN, twelve years ago. Iran's religious zealots shut down a culture fast. I don't trust them.

But these Knights of Colombus Catholics love Mike Huckabee !

You should hear him speak on women's reproduction.
7:03 pm
Donald Trump sues people continuously
says the news reports on CNN and MSNBC. He often loses, he does it to harass them. Is he a Catholic patriarch?

Interesting because Republicans say they hate lawsuits !

Trump is useful to keep Walker from winning.
7:02 pm
Incarnation of Inertia stalks me ! (sorry stalker that's all the writing I will do on you)
The dentist with the ivory teeth who had two guides from Africa entice a loved Lion so the dentist could shoot the beloved lion to cut off his head for a trophy, well it seems that that ivory toothed dentist shut his office down today. People are leaving memorials to the lion at the ivory toothed dentist's office and residence. I imagine someone threatened to hunt him down the way he had two people bring the lion to him so he could shoot the lion.

I am not an animal fanatic. I don't believe in cruelty to animals, I like to watch them. I only like to touch dogs, not cats.

I told my mother how disgusted I was with this ivory toothed dentist and she said, "Terri, think of how angry people are who are passionate about animal rights, he's probably on a hit list."

And right after she said that I heard on the news that the man who had received a felony for illegally shooting a black bear in Wisconsin had to shut down his office today.

Wow, do you think he feels like a hunted animal.

Oh there are always posers. The woman in our hood that likes to brag that she saves baby raccoons stalks me like a wild animal.

But when I moved to the condo 15 years ago, Patrick still owned it. He and Beatriz bought it in 1985.

Then, 14 years ago Ghost moved in.

I didn't know his light would take over my poetry. He never speaks to me. He walks the walk.

One night I googled him at work and I said to Amanda, "He's fucking vay-gan"

I thought vegan was pronounced vay-gan. So clearly I had been hanging out in the theology of dominion of the Catholic Church in Milwaukee because vegan was not in my vocabulary.

She said, "Didn't you suspect?"

I said, "I thought he was probably vegetarian, but that is so extreme."

Are you thinking emaciated druggie looking survivor?

Think again, his thoracic cage is beautiful; his t shirts hang perfectly from them. His hair is healthy and he's a stereotypical masculine guy.

His walk changed my world.

The awakening was slow.

I watched. Then, sometimes I googled, not often because I knew my internet usage is monitored.

Then, it came to me that the Catholic Church in Milwaukee has you worship buildings like Gesu Church but he is of the earth.

I don't know where the earth begins and he ends or vice versa.

Today I looked out the back window because I saw him carrying a mulchy box of "stuff" and I didn't see him but I saw a box that said, "Worm Factory."

Then, one time I looked at his facebook and he had an image of the hierarchy of humanity over animal/earth versus the circular image of all creation affecting each other in it together.

We never talk.

His way just changed my worldview and healed me.

I tell my stalker, hey keep it up, you are forcing me to write, without you I'd be lost in relationships somewhere and relationships get in the way of writing.

I love my stalker. He is the incarnation of inertia. He never moves. He sits. He spits and he shits in the name of stalking for the hierarchy of curia for a man who slides around in bunny slippers on the marble floors thinking animals belong beneath his feet.

I learned from the writing of Ghost and the type of women who show at his door (they are thinking and feeling women and he listens to them) I can tell.

I learned that there is a correlation between how one treats the earth and how one treats women and vice versa.

We all know that a sign of a serial killer is one who tortures animals.

I learned that Jesus will come back as an eco-feminist and well all that slip sliding away that the great one does on the marble floors of the Gesu in Rome is for nought !
Tuesday, July 28th, 2015
5:49 pm
Mom's Vanity Fair
We were watching MSNBC and Ed Schultz brought out that Trump's first wife accused Trump of being aggressive during the divorce.

I said, "I don't think Ed Schultz should be saying anything, he beat up his first wife."

My nephew lives in Fargo and told me about it and how the first wife is a sweetheart.

Anyway, mom was reading Vanity Fair and she said, "Terri, I don't think that a magazine like this should put this in there."

She showed me a centerfold of nude women.

I started to laugh and I said, "I think you should take a black magic marker and black their private parts out before you give it to your daughter in law."

I was teasing her but it was shocking to her.

I said, 'You keep looking ! "

She said, 'I am not !"

I love to tease her.

I love her.
5:41 pm
Madison Women
I told Mom that if Biden enters the race we will call her walker, Biden, so we don't have to hear, "Get your Walker" in this house.

I like Trump because he can keep Walker down.

I don't like Hillary Clinton; she'll have us in war. Everything will be about money and the next election with her.

I would vote for Bernie. I would vote for Biden. I don't want to vote for her.

Without Trump, Walker would have a better chance and the man has no respect for education as the means to pick people up.

I am avoiding stress for the year. I am. I will not be around people who yell at me or call Mom about me. It's over. I am free. It feels good.

I simply focus on my writing.

Today, I asked a woman whose skin has known the sun if the peas in the pod had to be shelled or if the whole pods could be eaten. This was after she explained to me what these long green garlic were and that I could sautee them.

She took the plump pea pod to bite into it.

She said, "You can eat the whole thing."

I said, "I asked you because you look like you know gardening."

She said that she started the Farmer's Market on the North Side near where I live.

In that moment of her passion and generosity I was in heaven.

Fabulous, independent women are all over Madison, not the posers who want you to know they are granola chicks but the real ones.

I left that experience with her thinking and feeling how I love my life as a writer because it's about experiencing life.

Now, I am free !
Monday, July 27th, 2015
11:33 am
Sunday, July 26th, 2015
6:11 pm
This morning I rode to Dubuque with a friend. I asked her yesterday as we walked in the pool and she told me of her plans, "Can I go along?"

Quite bold of me, really.

She said she was going to ask me if I wanted to go along.

Mom and I are on a minimal budget right now. So the friend took me to Sam's Club and I was able to get two needed items for mom in bulk that should get us over the hump of leaner times.

I noticed that the friend did not buy anything at Sam's that she more or less took me there so I could get our necessities in bulk.

That was generous.

It was good to get away.

I have worked to get to a place inside of myself where I feel free and I have arrived to that place.

I am feeling that it will be conducive to writing.
Friday, July 24th, 2015
1:49 pm
Roses are red
It still surprises me that when I focus on other things freedom comes.

Suffice it to say that they increased their aggression in order to get some kind of psychological leverage this morning.

I knew they would and they will.

So I left and when I was at a place I saw an older woman struggling to get in her car and I asked, "Do you need help?"

She smiled and said, 'No, but thank you for asking."

I was free in that moment.

Then, I was driving home and I decided that I should at least take a look at 24 rose bushes of some people I know.

I asked the owner if I could drive by to see his rose bushes this summer but that I would not go into his home (I have a key). He said I could go in. I did not go in.

I did however tend to his rose bushes and I intended to get their sooner in July but did not. So I got rid of the spent flowers and soon to be dead ones and I am hoping that they will be in full bloom when he returns.

He didn't know I was going to do that. I won't tell him.

There I was going over all of these rose bushes and suddenly I realized I was free from any aggression toward me.

I was completely free.

So, today when I thought I was doing something for someone else I found freedom from it all.
Thursday, July 23rd, 2015
7:18 am
Alejandra wrote on my brother's facebook this morning from Medellin Colombia
Happy Birthday to my wonderful, crazy, dedicated and fun Dad!!!!! You deserve having a great day!!! I'll call you later, Love ya


OMG, I have so much fun with Patrick.

His friend from South Boston said to Patrick when I hung out with them at the UW Memorial Terrace "I see where you get it from."

There can be a wildness of laughter and joy with him.

Something always happens where he and I end up laughing.

In Colombia it was when SARS was going around and I said to Patrick, "Patrick, the policia want to see me."

(My sister had me lug a big present to Alejandra for her Alejandra's wedding it took an entire suitcase and so I had to pack a suitcase within a suitcase when I packed to go home)

And suddenly I started coughing because I was nervous and this business man leaped up to move away from us and Patrick and I burst out laughing !

It's like that all of the time.

One time when I visited him in New York he had no idea I was in a room where he was. He was the only one in the room, I was at the doorway watching him. And he went to touch a rock wall to feel it and it turned out to be a fake rock wall and he responded with a quickness that had panic and finesse combined and I burst out laughing and then he burst out laughing.

I have fun with him !

For instance when he and his friend visited Madison they wanted t hear a Russian band and then they went down to examine the instruments.

It's just interesting with him.
Wednesday, July 22nd, 2015
5:37 pm
Had a wonderful time with my cousin who did my hair in Shullsburg. She was one of the most beautiful babies I had ever seen. I saw her at the Doyle homestead when I was five. And now she is this wise woman with a terrific sense of humor and she listens to me !

We spoke of her trip with her sister and their families to Great America.

I love these two like nieces.

Then, their dad came in and she said, I knew if he heard your voice he would come in the shop.

He hugged and kissed me and told stories of Dad, Jerry smiled and said how Bub used to rub his hands together and I felt my dad's joy.

I said, 'He loved you."

He said that he is not giving up smoking because "Bub never smoked and my brother never smoked and they died of cancer, I am just going to enjoy life."

I smiled.

So this town, we carry each others family members who have died for each other.

I told Michele, "I thought I was hallucinating because I saw your mom's walk the other night and then I realized it was your daughter."

She said the same thing happened to her the other day she saw her daughter walking and she saw her mom's walk. Her mom died.

I love it here. It's home for me.
4:04 pm
Detox for chronic alcoholics is so the constant drinker doesn't die
from going cold turkey.

Many people don't know that if one is a chronic alcoholic (signs of liver disease) that if the person goes cold turkey he or she can die.

Detox is used to make sure that doesn't happen.
Tuesday, July 21st, 2015
9:41 am
Dylan Doyle is being called the next Jimi Hendrix in the Woodstock Area
Of course, he has a different temperament but he can move his fingers so fast on the guitar.

And he has a wonderful dad.

My brother's kids love him.

All I remember about Jimi Hendrix is being in Tim Heller's house when he was a meteorologist and Dallas and he spoke on everyone not needing to be the same, he said, "What would the world be like if there wasn't a Jimi Hendrix?"

I thought, I don't because I don't know his music.

Too much Catholic music in me, Dylan is opening up my world. I learned about THE BAND from Will who now plays for a big time band. And the manager of THE BAND loves Dylan's music.
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