What is sex?
I brought my mom treats from Sentry On Hilldale.

Two raspberry filled cookies and two lemon squares.

She can t eat chocolate right now.

We had a nice light supper.

I told her on the phone yesterday that the other night i got home from work and came upon the movie, "The Secretary" with David Spader who is a genius actor and can take any word and turn it into an experience.

Well, I told mom that without him and his secretary having sex it was completely sexual.

Like me meeting the Novice Master 2 days after getting out of a psych unit in 1982 at 19 when folks didn t talk about mental illness she met her boss two days or so later after her getting out.

And so this boss puts her through this dominant submission game and there are even flashes of a theologian talking aobut the Catholic Church doing that for years as a practice.

And well when you have priest who is your counselor repeating a pattern of telling someone I love you. Then, saying the next week I don t love you. You re nobody special. I am taking a break and I will decide if this will continue.

ONce when I told my oldest sister she said, "What a controller"

I didn t understand what it meant to be a controller I am not into controlling people.

The two men in my life who were authority figures for me were my dad and my brother, Tom.

My dad loved me. He treated me with respect and belief and i brought him great joy

And my brother, Tom, supported my life as a writer since i was in 2nd grade.

The other male I would give importance to my life is Mr Lease. He loved my spirit and I loved his laugh. He's an artistic genius.

But unfortunately it was the Irish Catholicism of Shullsburg that influenced me and we were taught that Priests were God s representative on earth.

So to have your earthly god say I love you, I don t love you, we will take a break and I will decide with my finally saying so it could continue, "Alright I ll do whatever you say."
But i never could do it.

He would repeat it over and over again. I would work on getting lovable (psychologically lovable)

When I finally told Helena she said, "Oh, no Teresa, he should have told you no teresa because then you wouldn t like who you were."

When it started coming out to the females in my family my 2nd oldest sister told me, "Terri, I told mom, 'terri wouldn t even know if someone was sexually atrracted to her."

Today, I told Ghost through the Berlin Floor, "Don t ever think I was sexually attracted to that man. I never had one feeling for him it was about finding authentic love despite being a manic depressive."

But don t ever tell me it wasn t sexual. It was classic Catholic Control of female sexuality.

I told Ghost through the floor today, "And you know he used to say, 'I am a priest because I believe people are stronger working together."

oh, yeah so that s why you all came together to cover up all of those alter boys being victimized. They were babies.

Finally the last time he pulled it and i was not prepared for this kind of a male because my dad and my brother, Tom are not like this. Finally i made such a scene so that he would never be able to come back in it because the order wouldn t allow it.

I finally said to his provinical "if you knew all about me, why did you allow that man to stay in my life."

That's the moment the provincal and I began to dialogue.

But Ghost is different. He writes in his book that he tried groups and he saw the jealousies and the competitions in academia and other groups so now he calls himself a rugged individualist.

Helena told me once when I said, "I am always different."

She said, "It's the people on the fringe that makes things happen Teresa."

I even had a discussion with the Novice Master in my early 20's that my mother taught me not to join clubs because they left others out.

And he tried to tell me that my mother didn t mean that.

yes she did.

And when she met Ghost one day they were talking about the earth and he said to her, "They are just going to use up all the resources and it s all going to blow up"

I asked,, "WEll what did u say to him?"

I agreed with him.

She prefaced the whole dialogue by saying to me, "I like that guy."

He is the priest. He loves the earth. He doesn't try to be somebody. He's respectful and my love for him is more powerful than all of you gossips talking about.

But do not ever tell me that it wasn t sexual.

He was 20 years older than me. I would never treat somebody the way he treated me.

How did i survive?

Well, men helped me. My dad's love for me and the memories of his belief in me. My brother Tom's belief in my writing. Mr. Lease's creative acceptance of me.

The Holy Atheist who was my dear friend told me and he was the first male ever to listen to me because let me tell you with the Novice Master you were to sit and listen to him, and well the Holy Atheist said to me, "Teresa, he 's not interested in who you are, he 's interested in forming you into who he thinks you should be."

So i came against him and I came out a live and with a self.

And there was this Swiss psychologist named jean claude who listened to my story about him and said, "he's cold and in my experience cold people don t change."

I never forgot that he said that. He told Helena after he met with me, "I like her she is a sweetheart and she is a strong woman.'

So take me on. I am in this life shorter than the trees are. I am not trying to climb anywhere.

Take me on. The pleasure is all mind. Yes I mean mind not mine. I have nothing to lose you have every thing.