Free Speech

Making it happen

2009-12-08T22:11:55Z

Well , I spent the last 4 hours working on my mortgage through the library and the phone.

and the person at the bank said, "I like your attitude saying, 'what do i need to do to make this happen?'"

I am not to be dumped on by anybody.

I find that people dump on me for my skills and insight and then when i am in need it s all just too intense to listen to.

So i say, Yes i can handle things on my own.

But don't dump on me, it affects me and you go on with your wonderful lives and are never there for me.

Ok? A deal? I am talking to people in my past.

The greatest disappointment in this was Catherine Dunn. You see, I loved her.

My friends warned me about her. And now that they are part of the establishment like her they cheer her on because believe her about me when i was good to them and loyal.

As the French say, "Qui se resemble s'assemble" Those who resemble assemble.

And i had a former boss who was calling people about me and asking, "I wonder how she'll make it."

Well it won't be by staying home from work like you did all those years.

As one Clarke friend said to me back at Clarke, "Terri, you make things happen."

And i will not be dumped on by anyone other than the homeless and those suffering from severe and persistent mental illness.

My sister put a Santa icon on her live journal once again

2009-12-08T20:26:28Z

And when I saw it I wanted to write her "I love that Santa" but I thought she would be sick of hearing me say that so I refrained.

http://hartsong1972.livejournal.com/profile

Well she wrote me this on an email

"PS, I am using the Santa icon you liked so much. It makes me think of the rides in the car Dad used to take us out on to look for Rudolf and Santa's Sleigh. :-)"

I WAS SO MOVED THAT SHE DID THAT FOR ME. I LOVE THAT ICON. I TOLD THERESA IN THE SINGLES WOMEN HOMELESS SHELTER WHEN WE WERE WORKING TOGETHER "I SAW SANTA IN THE SKY ONE NIGHT"

I WAS A CHILD. PATRICK, MIKE AND I WERE IN THE BACK SEAT OF THE CAR AND WE DROVE AROUND SHULLSBURG COUNTRY ROADS LOOKING FOR SANTA IN THE SKY AND DAD SAID, "LOOK THERE HE IS WITH OLD RUDOLPH."

I LOOKED UP INTO THE SKY FROM THE BACK SEAT WINDOW AND I SAW SANTA, THE SLEIGH AND THE REINDEER.

I TOLD THERESA, "I SAW SANTA IN THE SKY WHEN I WAS A CHILD."

SHE SAID, "HE EXISTS"

I LAUGHED AT HER CONVICTION.

I KNOW HE DOES.

I TOLD GHOST THE FOLLOWING THROUGH OUR BERLIN FLOOR THE OTHER DAY AND OF COURSE THE FBI GOT IT ON VOICE RECOGNITION FOR THE MASSES TO READ. I TOLD GHOST THE OTHER DAY THROUGH OUR FLOOR:

I KNEW THAT I WOULD TAKE CRITICISM WHEN I WROTE HERE THAT I BELIEVE KEVIN M SENT MAT TO HELP ME BECAUSE I HAVE LEARNED THAT SPIRITS ARE DRAWN TO US IN OUR MOMENTS OF TRUTH.

I WAS THINKING DEEPLY ABOUT IT THROUGH OUT THE DAY THINKING, 'GOD IF I PUT THAT ON THE LIVE JOURNAL I WILL TAKE CRITICISM."

SO IT WAS THE MAIN THOUGHT OF MY DAY AND I WAS STANDING IN HUGE DEPARTMENT STORE NO ONE WAS AROUND AND NO ONE WAS IN MY AISLE AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT AS i LOOKED AT SHEETS THAT I DIDN'T TOUCH. 20 FEET DOWN A SHEET FELL OF A TOP SHELF---NOBODY WAS AROUND.

I THOUGHT OH, THAT'S STRANGE.

THEN, I WENT TO ANOTHER STORE AND I AGAIN WAS IN AN AISLE NO ONE WAS AROUND AND BOX FELL FROM ANOTHER SHELF JUST OUT IN THE FLOOR LIKE THAT OTHER STORE AND ONLY ONE ITEM.

EACH TIME I WAS THINKING "SHOULD I WRITE THAT I THINK KEVIN M SENT MAT TO SAVE ME OR NOT?"

I HAVE NEVER BEEN STANDING ALONE IN A STORE TO HAVE AN ITEM FALL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR NOR HAVE I HAD IT HAPPEN TWICE IN ONE DAY.

SO I BELIEVE THAT KEVIN M WAS DRAWN TO ME WHEN I FOUND OUT FROM CLARKE PEOPLE HE DIED AND I SAID TO MY FRIENDS, "i WONDER HOW MAT IS?"

AND THEN WHEN THE NUN BROUGHT UP KEVIN M IN SPIRITUAL COUNSELING (I DID NOT BRING HIM UP NOR DID I GO TO THE MEMORIAL SERVICE AT CLARKE THAT SUMMER BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW HIM AND THOUGHT IT WOULD NOT BE PROPER TO GO INSTEAD I STAYED BACK TO HELP PREPARE THE LUNCHEON) SO THE NUN BRINGING HIM UP TO ANALYZE HIS PAINTINGS WHEN I WAS DEPRESSED AND MY DECISION TO GET AWAY FROM HER WAS PROBABLY WHAT DREW HIM TO ME THAT I WAS FOR REAL AND HE WAS MAT'S FRIEND AND SO HE HAD TO BE FOR REAL BECAUSE THAT IS HOW MAT IS)

KEVIN M PROBABLY THOUGHT ONE DEATH FOR A CHURCH IS ENOUGH BECAUSE I BELIEVE HE HUNG HIMSELF IN THAT SEMINARY TREE AS A MESSAGE TO A PRIEST.

AND SO MAYBE HE SENT ME TO MAT WHO GAVE ME THIS AND PROMISED THAT IT WOULD BE A GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING. I HOPE IT HAS GIVEN TO HIM AS WELL. I HOPE HE KNOWS WHAT HE DID FOR MY LIFE.

I ONCE CONFESSED TO MAT,

"I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HOMONYMS."

HE E MAILED BACK, "YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HOMONYMS BUT YOU DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HOMOS."

Their Feathers on my reputation continue to fly

2009-12-08T20:02:32Z

Well, I called Wells Fargo from my mom's tapped phone about my mortgage and the woman said it would be mid January before a plan would be given.

My research on the matter indicated the same thing but when you have the FBI on you and they have come off looking conspiratorial in their stalking of me for the "bad ones" as David Sylvester http://6authored2.livejournal.com/1774151.html called them and no not all of them are bad ones ----well, the FBI can pull any strings.

I have FHA protection, I have researched my rights as a homeowner and boom in less than a month i get a form letter with not specifics denying any work out plan with Wells Fargo.

I called Mom.

I told mom that it s not like the Reagan years when farmers were losing their farms right and left. It was awful then.

I said, "I am going to Russ Feingold."

She said, "Yes i have always sent him money." She sends money to Russ Feingold and Barbara Lawton. Mom has faithfully carried the RUSS FEINGOLD 2002 sticker in her back window for years.

I said, "He doesn't like me."

She questioned that.

I said, "They go everywhere and he knows i have a big mouth."

She said, "I don't understand how they can be after a small town girl who is not after any power and has a mental illness."

I said, "Because I have a big mouth."

She said, "WEll that's part of the illness."

I laughed as I said, "thank you very much."

Not understanding words through my laugh she asked, "What did you say?"

I enunciated, "Thank you very much."

Monica used to say that she hated small town people. I finally said, "Monica I am from a small town."

She said, "I know Terri and I just can't figure that out."

WEll, Shullsburg was a mini Ireland. People read literature and talked ideas and liked poems. Men could have hearts in Shullsburg because the Irish men and women love words.

Then, my mother pushed us forward. She and Isabelle Doyle pushed their kids out into the world. We were the first Doyle's to get educated outside of SHullsburg----my mom and Isabelle's kids. Mom always holds Isabelle up to me as one of the women to admire and from whom to learn.

I told Mom today, "WEll, I told the Novice Master on live journal, it all backfired because in the "privacy" of my home where voice recognition and speech recognition goes to a computer for many to read I tell them all about the secrets of the Novice Master and the street thug attorney including his child breaking up a marriage to get a spouse (you can look that up on ccap)

http://wcca.wicourts.gov/index.xsl

I have never looked up people I am close to on CCAP only enemies. I consider a violation of privacy of those i love.

And the contradiction is that though i have a big mouth (say what i think) I don't tell confidences (nor do i want to be any one's confidant)

I learned back in my 20's how not to give an impression that I know something to someone who brings up a topic.

Case and point a couple had issues at Clarke I told the other you need to tell the person what is going on, I told the one in struggle nothing but added support to the person.

IN the end they ended up together but i never gave an indication that I knew but I did advocate for the one who was blaming the self for the relationship's struggle

Later they credited me for their survival.

I used Feminist theory in this/.

I read Feminist theory in my 20's and if someone has his hand on your butt in an office you are to say out loud "Someone has his hand on my butt." while he is doing it. You narrate the fact loudly.

And so years ago I let people think i was crazy getting their attention knowing that i would someday get the truth out and they would believe it because I chose wisely.

My mother said this morning about what has been done to my life, "It reminds me of a homily i heard as a child when someone has ruined someone's reputation and he asked how he could be forgiven. The priest told him to go to the top of a mountain to rip open a feather pillow to let all the feathers blow away in the wind and then after they have blown away gather all of the feathers back and then you will have earned your forgiveness."

The moral is that it is impossible to rectify this campaign against me for questioning injustice. And so the moral of that homily is refrain from the act because the damage of doing so is so grave that you have earned your damnation.

I said to mom this morning, "WEll, it has back fired on all of them because I even told the Novice Master

So I am still out here fighting the FBI who is outraged that a fat mentally ill woman has revealed to the secular thinkers of Madison just how corrupt they are for the Society of Jesus.

I will fight Wells Fargo on this matter because I know my rights.

So for those of you who have never failed and fear it, save your pity for yourselves.

As my dad said to the woman who came up to him the month he found out he was terminal with cancer and she cried, "oh Bub" he rolled his fists like a boxer to say, "X i have a lot to do yet."

Onward.

http://6authored2.livejournal.com/1783978.html

St. Nick's Day

2009-12-07T23:23:01Z

Sunday I celebrated St. Nick's Day.

Steve has Catholic roots and he called to say of the box of twinkies i left for him, "Thank you I was on my way to Los Angeles to get a box of twinkies and Michele stopped me just in time to come back because there were some in our mail box."

I left her a few walnuts in their shell which is the traditional St. Nick gift.

Michele said, "I wish I had known it was St. Nick's Day."

I said, "You weren't raised CAtholic. It's ok."

And well while looking for a few walnuts at Sentry at Hilldale tears came to my eyes from excitement, they had 2 bowls of FRESH CHESTNUTS in their shells and I got Ghost some. I told him through the Berlin Floor that I got them.

I was so excited.

Today, I drove to the south west area of Wisconsin to sign up for 4 classes that will lead me down a different road.

Life is good.

Then, I drove to mom's I am not staying the night because of weather and I asked her to come home with me but she doesn't want to.

A blizzard is coming and I haven't seen her in over a week and I don't know when I ll be back.

We had a good conversation.

Back to Madison.

Oh Cieslewicz You

2009-12-07T23:18:21Z

Sorry to start out with a vulgarity.

Saturday was a full day.

I started out having breakfast with Santa. Someone gave me a free ticket for the Esquire Club so I went and was moved to see familiar faces on the North Side coming out to help the hungry. They work so hard and I wish my brother in law, the Lutheran Minister, could see what the Lutheran Church does in action in Madison.

Then, I surprised Michele by spying on her at the Monona Terrace. She hates the place. She finds it to be depressing. I read once on the Isthmus Daily Page that someone referred to it as a Faux Frank LLoyd Wright building.

I found her in the midst of a FAIR TRADE BIZARR. All of these unique items from all over the world getting a fair price. I wish my sister, Maripat, could have seen it.

Michele had mentioned that parking is 4.00 at the Monona Terrace. I said to Mom, "She's volunteering, that's expensive."

Mom said, "Oh, that Mayor."

She says it with the same tone of voice that she used to say of Secretary Rumsfield when she would say, "Oh that smiling Mason."

I responded to mom that Bill Lueders got the mayor subtlely when he pointed out that Barak Obama mispronounced the Mayors name for the 2nd time in a row on the president's recent tour to Madison.

Mom said, "oh, he better be careful because you can say something dirty if you mispronounce a Polish name."

I laughed to ask, "Really?"

She said, "Oh, yeah Jimmy Carter did that....."

I appeal to anyone out there how much dirtier can the name, Cieslewicz , I mean he in his patriarchal shut down type of leadership has turned the name into a profane noun on his own, does any one know how to make it sound any dirtier?

So, I parked on the street found Michele working at the Madison Rafah Sister City project. I watched with joy, she didn't see me and I signaled for her co worker not to disturb her as she tended to people.

There was a lock box taking money for the Water Project which Michele says is there next project.

Jim Doyle was over in Israel last month pushing Wisconsin Water while Israel's government uses Palestinian Water keeping Palestinians under the drought level as set by the United Nations.

Jim Doyle and Mayor Dave like to be big shots.

So I paid the parking meter walked to the Monona Terrace, found Michele in the midst of World Trade and then took off after waving to her

Then, I went to my neighbors, they fed me pizza and great conversation and we made plans to survive in this world and to enjoy each other.

Then, I took a shower went to Micheles and we along with her partner Steve went to a low cost movie that she checked out on http://www.rottentomatoes.com/

Oh, and I saw Amanda to pay for my phone earlier in the morning.

So it was a day of seeing my closest Madison Friends, I mean I even saw Ghost walk out into the world with his stocking hat and back pack.

I called Mom.

And she made me aware that the Mayors name could be more profane in it's wrong pronunciation then it is already by his actions aimed at self promotion.

She was right when she said on her exit interview, "Dave likes to promote himself.

Isn't it time to bring Sue Bauman out of the closet just to see what she thinks of all this?

#### the FBI

2009-12-04T23:02:44Z

Well, the FBI is apparently off of my cell phone. My friend, Amanda, signed me onto her cell phone account 1.5 years ago after I went home to Shullsburg phoneless (Xmas 2007) in a blizzard and got stuck five miles outside of Shullsburg and then had to go back to Darlington to stay in a hunter's motel and my brother came to get me the next day.

So Amanda got the cell phone for me and when i called people it would say, "unknown caller" and now as of this week it says on caller id Amanda's name.

I feel as if it is over---this stalking. I am just going to live my life as I always do and assume that my home will always be bugged and I have made it clear to Ghost through our Berlin Floor that i will never speakk to him about it and if i need to say something i will simply say it through the Berlin Floor.

I wonder if you are sick today Ghost because your curtain was up when i left and in the past several years you tend to stay home sick around this time of year the last weekend of november or the first one in December.

So, Michele and I had a delicious conversation about Tea this morning.

She is lovely. When i first met her and we started taking people who carried diagnosis of schyzophrenia or bipolar out into the community we became friends. We would discover that though she was raised Jewish in Chicago we had the same IOWA connection; her father and my mother have the same French roots of Alscase Lorraine because she and I though different carry the same morality.

She introduced me to this song and to this performing artist.

She told me http://www.leoslyrics.com/listlyrics.php?hid=yQfy3VMmQGM%3D

She told me the story of going to one of his concerts and dancing as her dad said about Steve Erhl using the "F" word, "Why does he have to use that?"

Her dad is a protester but believes in civility. He's just a good man.

I cracked up laughing as she told me the story of her ignoring her dad at the concert with his disgust for the F word and Michele dancing as he protested and Steve Erhle sang "F....."

Michele really doesn't swear or curse. But one day we left the people we served and got into a car alone and we sang, "Fuck the FBI"

WEll, Michele told me today that she listened to a segment on NPR that loneliness is contagious between friends more so then family members.

I said, "oh, yeah, feelings are contaqious."

Some people find relief having others feel bad when they do.

The other night the war announcement by Obama was disappointing. I mean after going to Medellin, Colombia and seeing the excrutiating beauty there and to imagine that if they had a resource we could use to fuel our cars that we could bomb that beauty really brought how silly bombing countries is.

I remember that Turkey had an earthquake right after Bush's shock and awe and no one made the connection that bombing it's neighboring land could have caused shift in land.

But any way, the other night I didn't get down upon the announcment. I chose to defy despair because when i get that down i am powerless to change things instead i am writing the white house e mail a simple note. "AGainst the war." They only count e mails as support or protest so I don'[t write more than that.

This brings me to Mat who i remain grateful too for this blog.

He would have had no idea how perceptive I was when I saw him with his friend who eventually killed himself in a Catholic Seminary Cemetery.

When I found out in 1985 I was living in Dubuque with Clarke friends and most people got really sad and I didn't know him.

I said, "I wonder how Mat is doing?"

Now, I believe that I called Kevin M's spirit to me in that authentic moment.

Later a BVM would discuss it not knowing I knew anything about Kevin M through my observations of Mat's wild joy as the two of them lived life out at Clarke.

I have met many religious who like to go on aabout how wonderful they are; i also have met those who don't go on about how wonderful they are and they are usually teh wonderful ones.

So she went though all the details of going to his family ---they sent her out to his family and she was shown his paintings and she said how she could tell that this one branch in a painting swooped down and that she cuold tell that that meant he was going to hang himself.

I thought she was a total Loon. And friends could attest to this. I did not ask about kevin m she brought it up and i think she was sadistic. I was seeing her because i was so depressed and she spent the whole time talking about herself.

I got out of it.

But I believe now that in those authentic moments that i some how called his spirit to me because that night that I looked at the gates of sherman terrace with my neck naked to the stars and said, "You have got to send me somebody; I am dying out here."

And oh my god, I went to Art again, just like I did when Reagan got elected and the 60's people revealed their self interest and lack of morality. Enter the God of corporate greed under Reagan.

Art is like a resurrection because I am always changed after looking at it and here was this guy who i met in Clarke's union.

He was loud.

I was working in the union and you should hear Mary Alice Melloy tell the story of how i could cook 12 burgers, run the fryer get drinks and run the cash register at the same time ----she would talk about my manic depression being the reason.

And Monica would see that I always showed up for work not class but work yes and she would say, "Terri you have an incredible work ethic."

Michele looked at me the other night to say, "You have always worked so hard."

Mary Alice said the same thing when I was working two jobs while finishing my degree at Marquette ----ok there was no body Marquette like those Clarke friends who were full of ideas and I would have to go away to process it.

But i don' t mind that i have worked two jobs most of the time because I am free I am so free.

Anway that night that Mat and I met he was in the union I said to some friends, "Who is that guy?"

ONe of them said, "Some rich kid from California, he's a seminary student at Divine Word Seminary."

I had on a t shirt with flowers that looked hippy-ish and it said, "Friends are like Flowers."

He came up to the Union counter to ask, "hey, why are friends like flowers?"

I looked him in the eye to glare, "Because they die."

The wind was knocked out of him. He went from being loud and boisterous to sighing, "oh".

I said, "Oh, i am sorry i thought you were being a smart ass."

You know cuz he was the rich kid and i was cleaning up after him with the water bucket and rag.

That was the beginning of our friendship.

I just hope that someday he knows that this friend didn't die and that I think his friend sent me to him knowing that he could save me. Because his vision of giving me this blog saved me. And if he stayed in my life (i threw all anger i had at the stalkers at him and then was able to go forward) i would not have reclaimed my voice and power because he was too powerful and might have hid behind.

ANd now I would sing to him, "Fuck the FBI" to quote Steve Erlh who my best friend, Michele, introduced me to.

So I am just hoping that eventually Ghost and I can know each other.

My mother never says, "I like that guy."

She said it after her first conversation with Ghost.

I know I will be safe with him.

Just like she said about Dr Ulrich, "You can trust him."

And so Michele talked about loneliness as a contagion.

I said, "The problem with the mental health field is that they teach those who are finding their stability that the only way to have meaning is to have a problem to discuss."

She agreed.

Last night I told mom what I said on here the other day, "I am on the brink of despair every day."

She said, "That is normal in these times."

In the worst of the Novice Master's treatment of me my Clarke friend said, "What has happened to you? ONe of the things I always admired about you is that you can go anywhere to entertain youself?"

Well, that capability was instilled by my mother who used to pack me a lunch as a child to say "Ok go have a picnic"

I would walk around the block to sit to have a picnic.

I love that ability in me. And my favorite clients were the independent ones.

I choose to live alone because I like living alone not because i am lonely.

I am free. I am so free.

Happy Birthday Maripat

2009-12-03T02:37:55Z

On Sat November 28, 2009 I looked at the date on my computer at work and thought, "oh, my god it's the 28th" which is my sister's birthday.

The good thing is that that morning I was putting together the things i am sending for her and wanted to get to her by her birthday.

And my writing had been fairly intense as I wrap up ends on this stalking so I didn' t feel appropriate singing happy birthday to her as a i wrote on justice issues fearing she'd think it was a duty.

And then today i came to the library to write Happy Birthday out finally and then, i forgot.

I called Michele to tell her of the magazine, BP and I wanted to leave it in her mailbox for her to look at as a service provider.

She invited me for tea.

Oh she asked me in for a cup of tea http://www.swansonvitamins.com/AHW008/ItemDetail?SourceCode=INTL073

I asked Michele how she chose this tea. Do you know how many boxes of tea they have in that store? She said, "Well, I like licorice and I like mint; so i chose it."

She read the ingredients to me tonight and it has cinnamon bark in it as well.

Michele said to me as we sat in their back room with the stone floor that is heated from below the stone: "Teresa you look good, and you have been consistently stable. I hope it's ok to say that."

I said, "Yes, it's fine, i have noticed it too. The stalking is finally over. It's just over."

She said, "I can see it in you."

Michele introduced me to this tea and I just bought the last box at Whole Foods and i wanted a box for Maripat but they were out so the woman told me tomorrow there will be more.

So I drove back to the library to complete my most important act of the week letting my sister know i celebrate her life.

I know that money is tight for me but Maripat has been there in so many gifting ways through this stalking.

She's sent gifts ----I call her a doll maker and her art lifts my spirit.

She sends gifts of art.

She has sent checks and even checks to mom.

Yes, I am on this time off from work as I get retrained for something else sending my sister a happay birthday package.

I went to her blog and found this:

http://hartsong1972.livejournal.com/550471.html

http://northwoodstom.livejournal.com/

New Magazine

2009-12-02T23:53:15Z

I found this magazine at the waiting room of my psychiatrist today

http://www.bphope.com/Issue.aspx

I took it and will take it back when I go see my sleep apnea doctor.

I had never heard of it. Wow, what i found in the Time Magazine in 1985 was a half page article in TIME about the poets they believe to be bipolar.

That little article fought through the isolation of coming to terms with being manic depressive as they called it back then.

I studied the poets at great length in the UW Platteville Library at that time. The confessional poets wrote themselves into suicide as far as I was concerned.

So I learned the AGE OF REASON from Dr. Myrbo and it was there that i found relief from the illness. For me that meant that I was able to distill my emotions but to attempt free myself from self absorbtion by using technique. I never get the technique perfect but I believe at times there is heat in my work that comes from my chemical make up.

So from me those with persistent and severe mental illness learned what was wonderful about their chemical make up.

It was that table I discovered at Clarke in the Fall of 1981. Two days into Clarke and I looked at that table and I said to myself, "Oh, I want to be part of that table."

I didn't see it happening. I didn't try to make it happen nor did I ever want to be part of any other table in life other than my family but those people at that table were individuals and wild with ideas and fun, they were beyond me.

Then, suddenly Pam Kanorek brought me to the table with her fun and joy and kindness. I was just stunned by the talent there and the thinking and it was living in total creativity.

The illness was a struggle and they didn't have the information on it that they do now but I worked on myself through the years.

But I always go to the poets for empathy. I don't usually go to people; my mom has been amazing these past years while others just fizzled away or believed the things said about me.

I don't feel bitter.

I told Ghost through the Berlin Floor, "If you ever go to my family it will be over before it begins. And if anyone in the family expresses a concern to you about me you tell them to talk to me."

My family is not a place for me to seek mental health intervention. I go to my family for stories. Stories feed my life.

When the novice master went to my brother I was further isolated because the Novice Master took his insanity and put it under the heading of my manic depression.

My haven of my brother was ruined. My brother never told me and I could tell when people talked about me so I just went else where to develop relationships.

Enter Ken.

I call him Sam in the book and though Sam is a composite of all 3 of the guys at the parking lot at times mostly it is Ken.

I never talked about the manic depression. Until the night that I got the temporary restraining order for calling the NOvice Master's answering machine reading from my ethics book on the helping profession.

So, I called someone who called my other brother who showed up.

My other brother read the Temporary Restraining Order and he muttered, "This guy is a dick."

And then he chopped the air with his hands to say, "Now, Terri, you have got to be nice to the judge."

My brother knew from listeing to me since childhood that i was a protester. He heard every feminist thought I ever had as he grew up and really he is good to women in the work place.

I told my brother, "I am going to sue him right back."

My brother turned his back to Ken to whisper and mouth certain words, "Terri, you can not take them to court because they will bring out that you were in a psychiatric unit."

My brother wrote down his name and number and said he was going to go talk to him and my mother told him, "Don't you do that they could ruin your career."

So that night 4 years into the friendship with Ken I told him that I was in a psychiatric unit when I was 19 and I met the Novice Master two days out of the unit.

Ken said, "Well, we all go through things at that age...."

I said to him what I hadn't told anyone in 11 years, "There was a nun all dressed up in her habit and black robes pulling at the door to get out of lock up and I couldn't believe a nun could end up with mental illness."

Ken said, "WEll look who she worked for."

He was a great gift to my life. And I am getting my life in order so he can come visit in Madison if he wants.

But anyway I went on to work with those carrying the diagnosis and their street thug attorney put it out there that I was bipolar and that's when I started talking about it because if he was going to talk about it I was going to talk about it first.

People who have struggled with the illness seem to take hope from the way i live with the illness.

So today in this bipolar magazine which i find shocking that the periodical even exists when i enter that 19 year old part of me that recalls no information on manic depression.

I found this article HOW NEEDY ARE YOU

And frankly i think these questions are about maintaining healthy friendship and family boundaries so that no one resents each other.

This stalking took me from being so independent to being frantic with fear. My mother told one person, "The bipolar is one thing but top that with what they have done to her it is unbearable."

So my family does not need people going to them in whispers about me. You ruin my haven when you do that and I told Ghost that it is over if he ever does it. I also told him, "i am sure there is a limit that you will tell me to honor and i will honor that limit with you."

Michele has told me, "Teresa you really listen. Other people don't listen the way you do."

So there is my mistake and I am working on not giving cues that i am listening. Someone once told me, "People are dying to be listened to."

Well, I have felt resentment in the past because people I have listened to have not been there for me in the way that i have been there for them.

The article has a heading under How Need Are you?

Common Needy Mistakes
1) Constantly calling a partner at work
2) Expecting a best friend to be your therapist
3)Telling too much to people you don' t know well especially in a romantic situation
4) Missing the signals others are sending you
5) Telling a coworker all about your problems
6) Putting the burden of your needs on family members
7)Assuming that others want or should want to help you with your illness or issues

Questions to Ask yourself Before you ask for help

1) Has this person said that I can call anytime?
2)Have I done all I can to help myself?
3) IS this something that needs the attention of a health care professional
4) Does the person i want to lean on have too much going on in his or her life?
5) is there someone better to turn to?
6) Am I there for them in the same way i need them to be there for me?

The problem with number 6 is that a person who is needy thinks that being there in the same way is to share one's depression with them and I find that in my experience to be the death of a friendship.

I have reached a point that life is not therapy for me.

I don't need people to feel bad if I feel bad to validate my sadness.

I think of this moment when I was really sad and I knew it was the illness; and i said to cashier at a gas station "I am just so depressed."

She was in her 50's and she just said something reassuring.

And it was freeing to say it to her and to go on with my life and not have to revisit the issue. If i had told a friend i would be locked into it.

I have survived this illness by writing and writing and writing since I can remember.

I learned by the time i was 30 that there are times I should not pick up the pen because I will write myself into suicide so instead i make my feet move at Harbor.

Speaking of which ----i am down 2 more pounds from last week according to the dr's scale, my pulse is 66 and it used to be at 80 all the time and it was at 66 after rushing in and my blood pressure was normal.

(82 pulse all the time leads one to a 25 percent chance of heart attack)

I got it down by doing aerobic biking at harbor.

As I read that article today in this newly discovered magazine, BP, I thought of Harbor and how i loved going there because during the day many of the women are in physical pain with arthritice (not all but many have physical symptoms) and they work on themselves and no one dumps on people emotionally every one is just there trying to find their strength and power.

Freedom of Speech

2009-12-02T22:49:33Z

http://www.fff.org/freedom/fd0407a.asp

The point is (editted with pertinent info)

2009-12-01T19:11:33Z

that Ghost has been this perpetual solution outside of the problem. He has just been a a light that out powers any of this darkness that stalks me for the "bad ones" as David Sylvester called some of them. That is the point of the previous blog.

Ghost hasn't told me anything. He has been this great light against the dark and he out shined their evil. Blame him for having a beautiful life ethic that lives out in images each day that fed my poetry.

And I have told him through our Berlin Floor, "When we know each other I am not rehashing the past I want to live in the present with you."

Isn't he beautiful? You can find his name on this petition:

http://74.125.95.132/search?q=cache:GNNdbog9b48J:http://www.nukefree.org/petition/list/11?page=305&%24version=0&%24path=/&%24domain=.nukefree.org+%22dr.+Douglas+j.+Buege%22&hl=en&ct=clnk

I trust him for issues that I don't study the way that I trust Brenda Konkel on housing issues and I hope that madison learns about the eminent domain from Conneticut and Pfizer http://blog.nj.com/njv_editorial_page/2009/11/reform_eminent_domain.html

I wonder if Brenda Konkel knows if we have an eminent domain policy as a city so that corporations can't move us out; a city can pass a law to stop it but if it s not passed then we are in trouble.

I trust Paul Soglin on city issues and will go to his blog. Ok, he was my local political hero since i was in 3rd grade. I studied him from then on until i got mixed up in milwaukee, i watched his interview when i was in 6th grade with Castro on 60 minutes.

So bug me all you want you know a former boss harassed me with the FBI and Rome stalking me and telline me no one else would hire me.

You know that but you want to persecute not find truth.

So I am not a person to sit and commisserate with. I don't like to be dumped on. I don't want to hear people's problems that never get better.

I have worked with people who suffer from severe and persistant mental illness and they work on themselves with devotion.

I expect movement and change and growth in people just like I do in characters I read in books.

The woman who cleans my mother's house and has become a family friend. My mother was the first to hire her in town and that led her to more jobs. Well the woman just told mom and me, "I told an 83 year old woman today that they only reason we have shelter is because of you two."

I went to Brenda Konkel's website to get the info I needed on housing after she was wrongly denied help. WE advocated for her.

Our friend told us today that she said that because the woman was complaining about the homeless not trying. So after our friend said that to her the woman said, "Thank you for reminding me that not all the homeless are that way from not trying."

At Harbor when i wuold be in the pool with some of the women they would ask when i worked at the Homeless shelter what kind of women end up in the single women's shelter and I would say "oh, women who lost their husband or women who lost a job a lot of white women."

I loved working with those women.

I was stalked and mocked at times through it all. One night the FBI had a "homeless" guy come and start ranting to me and my boss that he knew Hasan Mohr.....and that he was being stocked by the FBI and Hasan Mohr knew.

It was to send me over the edge. Hasan Mohr is a guy who was kind to me the first few days in Madison when I had nothing. I sat in his office which then was located at Grace Episcopal Church across from the State Capital. Tears ran down my face because I didn't expect to be begging for groceries with a theology degree and an English Degree and a Masters in Counseling all from Marquette University.

WE didn't ask when I was growing up.

Hasan Mohr was kind to me. He said, "It's okay. I think Madison will be better for you."

So i have earned the right to say, "I am not here for problems don't dump on me. If you have a problem tell me and I will offer solutions but if it s the same old problem over and over I am not your person because I don't dump on others and I llike solutions. Sometimes a solution is finding a ghost who has so much light that the grip of evil's darkness has no power over you."

They lied to Clarke friends, they lied to Shullsburg friends, they went every where. I am not here for problems I am a solution focused person and money is not my god.

I am a success because they have not destroyed my sense of joy.

The Heros sent along the way

2009-12-01T17:12:21Z

I have to think of a new blog to go on with my life from all of this. I woke up at 530 am and decided to drive to Shullsburg then instead of meeting mom in Monroe where she was getting a treatment. We had planned to leave one of our cars there and then drive back there tomorrow when I have an appointment.

She is mighty so she was serious when she said of my early arrival, "I am glad because i woke up feeling weak." So we drove there and back. I spoke of the FBI.

I didn't know it was the FBI back in the counseling center. I thought it was just private detectives back in 1997.

Larry Hopwood was a hero in it. He didn't tell me anything. But before the FBI came in he had received a call from Kipfmueller telling him to flunk me and bad mouthing me.

Imagine this, this man said to Marquette, "I'll judge for myself."

Many of you could learn from his way. Don't let people play on your fears to control your behavior, judge for yourself.

Google him and you will find that he was a graduate of John Hopkins for radiology. He treated disease for years and got sick of looking at the problems and decided after years of treating disease to build on strengths.

And that semester with him changed my life and is a major reason i have survived the FBI stakign me for the corrupt all in the name of homophobia.

I told mom today that he wrote on his letter of recommendation about me:

"Teresa has the ability to get along with people from all kinds of backgrounds."

It's true. I do. the rich the poor the not poor the inbetweeen the gay the nongay even the republicans the aethists

I am just saying this because they have made me out to be a monster. And yet they couldn't stop key people from ending up liking me.

I live the things Larry Hopwood taught as a clinical supervisor, and since him, i have seen some really non curious types that know the right people and get put into these position having little skill and no teaching ability. They are in it for the job not to help or strengthen people.

He was amazing teacher.

http://74.125.95.132/search?q=cache:K211D7U6DYkJ:http://articlescoertvisser.blogspot.com/2008/02/brief-history-of-solution-focused.html+%22larry+hopwood%22&hl=en&ct=clnk

This is what he taught me: 1) The solution can be outside of the problem 2) i assume people have the power to change their lives 3) why is not the relative therapeutic question; how is the relative therapeutic question 4) the therapist is merely a catalyst for change to happen the therapist is not the reason for change to happen or that disempowers the client and the client won't find her/his power.

Then, the training that followed.

yes I speak of what has happend to me and continues to happen to me but i survived because of that semester of his teachings. And i passed on his teachings to others.

Michele will say to me, "It's like you say, the solution can be outside of the problem'"

Last year she was going through her graduate school papers from when she got her Masters from UW Madison and she said, "I found a paper by Larry Hopwood and I kept it."

He had this great humility because he was super bright, shows the same kind of reserve that Ghost shows but like Ghost he was kind and merciful underneath.

I just hope he knows that he helped my life and my survival. Dear FBI you know he didn't tell me anything because when I was in Milwaukee I still thought it was their personal goons on me.

I just hope he knows that his work moves through me and I use it with others.

"What went well today?"

It's a matter of discipining the mind to build on our strengths.

But he was like Ghost he had the ability to judge for himself.

He told me before Paul the "brilliant" professor (FBI Man) from Winnepeg who didn't know that Winnepag was in Canada the day he came to stalk me at the counseling center Larry Hopwood said, "Teresa i have seen people go up against patriarchy and they always give up because patriarchy is so powerful."

That made me not give up. He was saying it as a warning; i knew he didn't have a clue about the scandal and that it was bigger than Kipfmueller was letting on.

Hopwood wanted me to focus on what matters as he would say. I knew that he didn t have any idea of what had transpired with the corrupt so his focus on what matters didn't work in this situation but i ahve used it other situations to survive the people that enjoyed feeling important for the FBI harassing me.

Next hero, Mat Gleason of Coagula who found me with the symptoms of a lobotomy from Corrupt Jesuit fall out. He demanded I come back to life saying "now that's the feisty Terri I remember."

Oh, my god, he helped me, he brought art back to my life on a daily level. And after being isolated for years I would wake up in the middle of the morning to one of his scintillating e mails. I was broken. He said that he was coming to the midwest and that we would go to the Chicago Art Institute. I wrote back, "I wouldn't know waht to say."

He said, "We will stand in front of American Gothic and I will say something funny and you will laugh and people will tell us to Hush and I will say 'Art is alive and is to be celebrated."

I laughed as I read it. He was giving me a dream to go on not rehashing how bad my life was.

I told him, "I am not good at writing about art."

He wrote, "Your writing is some of the most sophisticated I receive."

then, he pushed and after years of repression I threw all the anger at him that they had forced into silence because if i protested what they had done to me I would be arrested by the FBI for stalking.

I hope he forgives me and knows that he saved my life with this and as always was ahead of his time. He's not a group thinker in fact his work is aimed at ACADEMICS in the art world who force their vision onto their art students because these Academics (and he is not talking all academics) don't have the guts to do real art because life in academia is oh so comfortable.

It's much like the novice master thing, he wanted me to submit because how dare i as a woman intend to live my life as an individual when he entered the Jesuits at 19 and has never done anything on his own.

Finally, the love of my soul, Ghost. My Helga project. My brother, Tom, introduced me to Andrew Wyeth when I was in 7th grade and he gave me a book "THE ART OF ANDREW WYETH" and it contained paintins of the harvest. Then, later the Helga projects came out and I thought, "Oh, I wish I had a Helga project"
I forgot that I wished that until after years of writing about Ghost ---my dear sweet farmer with the Phd in thinking-----I thought to myself, "Oh, he's like my helga project" and then that observation stunned me when i realized that i had wished for long ago when i was that girl wanting to be a poet that i had a helga project.

I love this man. And they like to say that i have a thing for older men, he is 3 and a half years younger.

And i know that he carries what Larry Hopwood carries the ability to judge for himself. I wish that ability on all of us.

A letter from my mother in 2002 as the stalking continues in Madison

2009-11-30T18:27:33Z

Dear Terri

Enclosed money for a bus pass plus some money for shampoo. Keep working at the jobs search and persistence will pay off.

I am enclosing my favorite prayer. It is not an overnight thing but things do work out.

I'll hope for better weather next Saturday maybe Spring will come early. I have some magazines etc that might keep you aware of all the news. I have re subscribed to Newsweek. Also am enclosing a few stamps.

Love

Mom.

------------------------------------------------------

NO Where in Scripture does it say that Mary Magdalene was a whore Men said it

2009-11-30T18:14:46Z

Yesterday I was singing to Ghost as I listened to http://www.wolx.com/ He played his own music during some of it because i think i was obnoxious with joy in my blood.

But then as the music played and I organized my life I found the Musical Score of Handel's Messiah that i used when we performed it in the Clarke Loras Singers.

I said, "oh, i should put this out for christmas." I like surrounding myself with certain memories and things that evoke those memories at xmas.

I looked in it and found a poem i had written in 1988 and a letter from my mom during the stalking in Madison years ago.

I read the poem

To The Lord of Beauty: My God

I am Your weed
unworthy;
but yet,
Still,
of Your seed.
And with Your
Light I have stretched
and grown into a humble
reed----
fluting in Your wind:
Your instrument
Your sound
The Energy within.
I, a spire,
to Your Beauty
Your Glory
to be hallowed
no longer hollowed;
Darkness scatters.

t.doyle
12/22/88

I would have just known that my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer a month before. Two days later we would have a Christmas where he gave my mother luggage so that she would keep traveling. Oh, and my brother, Patrick, and I think I have really followed his wish for that keeping her traveling.

I used to sing on Christmas Eve. And that Christmas Eve a brother had a former girl friend at the house. She sang. Then, I sang. I heard my father say to my mother as they were going to sleep about the girl friend "YOu don t think she felt bad about singing after Terri sang do you?" So he picked up something. My mother said to her dying husband, "no"

And it just struck me as special that he would care about another person's feelings when he was terminal.

I wept after i read that poem. The jolly xmas music was playing in the background and I wept. A year later 6 months after my father died the Novice Master who would have received that poem said, "You are not one of the best writers i have read."

He always treated me like crap. I used to be so sensitive. I once asked the guys at the parking lot when they were talking about the code names they use on e mail back in the early 1990's, "Ok what is my code name."

Ken and Mike Goudy stood in the office looking at me. Mike Goudy said, "WE call you 'The Sensitive One'".

I have been through so much that i am not sensitive any more.

At marquette back in the 1980's I went to a residential assistant to express my shock over how the Novice Master treated me in a counseling session. She said, "I would have gotten up and walked out of there."

I was just out of a psychiatric unit and dealing with the reality of being bipolar. I silently thought, "oh, he wouldn t have done that to you."

I could never figure out why he was so mean to me because I didn't drink, I didn't have sex, I didn't do drugs, I did do carbs and I wrote, and I probably questioned.

My mother would later tell me that people try to shame the sensitive because they think they can get away with it.

So I can't imagine telling the 26 year old poet who shared that poem with him, "You are not one of the best writers I have read."

I couldn't believe he compared me. When we use the terms best, better, or the superlative and comparative we are full of shame. We feel defective and we use those competitive terms to build up ourselves. We talk about our friends as if noone else could compare to the listener. WE are not inclusive when we use those forms of speech and we make our audience feel lonely and they end up resenting us.

I told a Marquette law school female in the 1990's what he said about my writing and she dropped her fork on her plate at Eduardo's on Van Buren in Milwaukee to say, "Terri, he was trying to undermine your talent."

But that night he said that to me in my apartment I pointed to a pink xmas tree that my niece, Alejandra, had colored when she was 3 and I framed it because i loved that she colored it pink and not green I said to him, "When Alejandra gave me that xmas tree I didn't say to her, 'Well, it's not one of the best xmas trees i have ever seen.' I took it as it was and didn't compare it."

Then, i said to him, "You think you are better than others becuase you are not having sex with women well you are an Emotional Fucker and that is just as bad."

I didn't speak to him like that in the beginning but when i hit 25 i let him have it. This was of course after he visited me at Clarke and after he tracked me down at Clarke and Miami Florida after I was trying to get out of it.

By the end I got so isolated in it I didn't know how to get out of it.

Enter the guys at the parking lot.

One of the first encounters with Ken as my manager involved inner city men looking at play boy while i was in the office.

At the time i detached by saying to myself, "Ok they are looking for their god, and this is just part of their path so don't personalize this."

Ken and I weren't friends then. Ken went to the upper management to say, "A woman should not have to sit in an office while male co workers look at Playboy"

Ken and I became friends.

He would ask me, "Teresa, do you want to go out to lunch with me?"

I would say, "No."

For months he would say it. The connection at the job was so good. He was married to a an AFrican American woman; he was caucasian.

Finally, he said, "Come on TEresa, lunch is the only ritual in my life...."

So I went.

But it was huge.

At that time i walked the streets of down town milwaukee reciting my poetry I had written the nght before; i wasn't loud but i would recite it quietly studying the beat.

I would say at that time, "I want to be a poet."

I moved to that town with no bed just a book shelf of poetry books and during that time I read all of May Sarton's books.

Then, I discovered that Ken began to listen to me before I had realized that i had opened up. The novice master wanted you to sit and listen to him talk about his life and you were to adore him.

I asked the Novice Master once, "Why do you stay in my life?"

He said, "Because you challenge me."

I didn't get that the challenge for him was to break my spirit to turn me into a submissive voice that would obey him because when he would play his hot and cold game if i would say, "Ok, i ll do whatever you say" then we could continue.

Well, Ken listened and said one day, "Teresa he is not interested in who you are, he 's interested in forming you into who he thinks you should be."

Ken was the first person to give me female literature. Carol Blitgen http://www.clarke.edu/profiles/staff.aspx?id=910 introduced me to May Sarton in her Philosophy of Art or Aesthetic's class, but other than Emily Dickinson Marquette and Clarke didn't introduce me to female writers.

Ken was a student of literature at UW Milwaukee and it was truly diverse there. He introduced me to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Well_of_Loneliness and to Zora Neal Hurston's Their Eyes Were WAtching God and he gave me a leather bound book of Jane Erye on my birthday.

He was simply brililant and so damn funny.

My sister would laugh at the stories I would tell her of the guys at the parking lot and then she said, "TErri, the same dark cloud comes over the phone when you speak of the hurt homosexual that came over the phone when you spoke of that Novice Master."

I was an idiot. I didn't get that the Novice master would repeat his patterns of abuse so that I would protest and he could then look like a martyr to his brothers though nobody asked him, "Why do you keep telling her you love her and then you take it away over and over" Then, he would say we would have to take a break.

Ok, for all of you great people the ones that are full of shame and think you could never be involved in something like this. I Had a diagnosis of bipolar and there is so much shame that comes wiht the stigma and i was raised to think priests are God's representative on earth and if a priest finds you unlovable what will god find you?

THERE IS NO SCRIPTURE THAT SAYS THAT MARY MAGDALENE WAS A WHORE OR A PROSITITUTE. PATRIARCHY SAYS IT BUT NO WHERE IN SCRIPTURE DOES IT SAY THAT.

PATRIARCHY DEMONIZES WOMEN.

LOOK WHAT THEY HAVE DONE TO ME

THEY HAVE SAID THE FOLLOWING:

1 SHE IS A THIEF
2 SHE IS A DRUGGIE
3 SHE CLAIMED SEXUAL ABUSE WHEN NONE HAPPENED.

Don't ever tell me that this is not rape. Rape is the disempowerment of women. I made it clear that a penis did not go into my vagina by that novice master but don't ever tell me that this is not rape that has been done to my life.

The FBI even went to SNAP to tell them that she lies about sexual abuse so don't let her use you in this.

I told the Novice Master in my apartment as he sat on the rocking chair in January 1989, "you are an emotional fucker and that is just as bad."

I stand by it.

I also stand by making it clear to Father Thelen and to Archbishop Weakland that there was no sexual abuse but it is rape.

Don't tell me this isn't rape.

The next step of the game is that after my translating private phone calls for people across the country they are going to be watching me at the middleton library and on my mother's computer to see if i look up any of the people that I have served in that position that ends today.

WEll, you can look all you want it is not going to happen.

I find it bitterly ironic that you are going to try to get me for invading someone's privacy.

My mom's house is bugged and her phone is tapped.

The same with me.

So don't you ever tell me that this is not rape.

And then I had this employer that had an employee call former co workers of mine to ask, "Did you ever see your boss molest a client?"

The former employer thought he would get me on making false allegations about a boss which i never made so that he could fire me.

My former co workers didn't know what to think.

I mean what predator would molest a client in front of a person. They made the claim to say that only a crazy bipolar person would say that.

I said to the fomer CEO, "I did not say that." I pointed to the current CEO to say, "He is saying that i said that."

I would never say that.

This happened all because the FBI says that i said it was rape, well it is rape, this is rape the disempowerment of a woman's voice

Last night i told Ghost through the Berlin Floor, "I would go through it all again because it led me to you."

I have to believe i am a place of hope for him in a world where IMAGE PEOPLE you know the ttype of liberals that swing their beeds for show and wear the hip liberal clothes but can't take a stand on anything must; those group thinkers have hurt his hope.

Here i am a Catholic who wears blah clothes but i am wild and fire inside.

I believe I have brought him as mush hope as he brought me. Some day I ll know if that is true.

But at least I know that this stalking is going to go on for another ten years and i am happy to have a break from work where I get stalked; i just can't wait til the shift is over tonight.

But Ghost you should live out your life in your apartment on the weekend when i am home, i mean blare your music if you need to, i'll tell you through the floor if i can't stand it or i will blare yours out with Donny Osmone xmas music.

He did win Dacning with Stars if you dind't notice.

I love you Ghost.

Dear Ghost

2009-11-28T20:07:32Z

You are human, more than human !!!!! I saw you walking out in your flannel jacket (the green and blue plaid one that is my favorite thing you wear) and you were eating chocolate ! I think it was chocolate, and i have never seen you eat chocolate before you are human; it must have been vegan chocolate but i am sure it was chocolate.

And I wished that you could see your hair in the sunlight. All those natural colors you wear and then the sun shows off on your hair.

Before you, I had never seen a halo on anyone and didn't know that a halo could be long and flowing and the color of golden honey on harvest wheat hair.

I worked with a woman who suffered from schyzophrenia once and she told me, "you are an angel"

It meant the world to me after being stalked and mocked. And when I left the place former co workers told me that she asked, "When is Teresa coming back."

Well i am going to find her this month and take her to see the Christmas lights while we drink hot chocolate.

And last night i told you through the floor, "it's a good thing we didn't know each other during this FBI stalking because I had to be opinionated all the time to fight them"

I didn't know what the INUIT were until I read a few years back that you went to be with them. I read that a Jesuit went there to bring them the word of Jesus. I said to you through the floor last night, "Well, i bet you brought the presence of Jesus and were simply present to them"

And about going to the Orient i love you that wrote about squat pots. I used one in Colombia's airport. Good thing i had read your blurb about Asia's squat pots or I might not have known what they were in that airport. They kind of are self defining in their construction that you better squat or else. Well my mother taught me as a child to squat over public non squat pots.

I am just looking forward to knowing you and having fun in my life and writing writing writing. I love you ghost.

Now I'll be able to be balanced and I am going to start a new blog and leave this one to the Catholic Corruption.

Here are the words you wrote about the Orient:

Throughout Asia, at least when I traveled there, people customarily used squat toilets. Likewise, many of the exercise forms in China, Vietnam, Japan and elsewhere depend upon squatting. It was not uncommon to see people squatting for long periods of time while eating meals or working. I witnessed a lot more people who were "body conscious," partaking in martial arts and exercises throughout their day.

Then I returned to the States much more aware of the torturous positions we place our bodies in as we sit at televisions and computers for hours. For many, if not most, Americans, the body is a prison in which they're trapped. The philosophy is very different than in the East. Consequently, people are far sicker, unhappy, and unsatisfied with their lives.

Celebrate the body by squatting!

The Moral of the Story

2009-11-26T00:29:05Z

I decided that i wanted a theology degree when i returned to Marquette in 1990. I studied under two solid professors---two courses each---one being Ted Tyson's uncle, I was in class the day he announced Ted's mother (the Jesuit's sister) had died. He said, "I hate death." He cried.

My therapist who had experience with the Catholic Church said, "It's a beautiful man who would show his pain at the death of his sister."

The other major theologian who taught me was Father Mueller. He was conservative and I liked learning from him so much. I studied Augustine under him. He explained how thomas Aquinas theologized Aristotle and Augustine theologized Plato. Augustine believed people could reach God either through the intellect or ritual. There's a view that the ritual is for the peasants. I would rather be with the peasants and those suffering from severe and persistant mental illness---for they carry the gift of prophecy and truth ---of course one must use discernment while working with them to get there but they will lead you there.

So anyway to my paper on St. Augustine being the shadow of the church shaming people to this day, Father Mueller wrote a long, long response, "Teresa, give Augustine a break it was the times he lived in....." I smiled and simply didn't agree with Father Mueller that being in the times prevents one from doing the right thing or the non ego centric thing.

then, there was this struggle in me to be acceptable not to be alternative in my thinking so i was going to write a conventional paper for the THE TRINITY which i studied under Father Mueller. The day before the paper was due I went up to him to ask, "Father can i change the topic of my paper and have a few more days i just can't get into doing the paper i am working on and I want to do a feminist perspective of the Trinity"

He had a dark beard and dark hair and black hat and wore the black cleric clothes and he simply nodded yes.

I used this book by Mary Daly http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-God-Father-Philosophy-Liberation/dp/0807015032

He then wrote a long response to that paper. I respected him and on the final after I finished I went back to get my books and he looked at me and I looked at him. I waved and he nodded.

There was a beautiful moment in his class for me at least that i document in my book. He was standing in class reciting all of the information he knew on the Trinity. and he said, "and you see on the assumption of mary, mary actually enters the Trinity and it becomes a quadrinity."

I blurted out "That is hopeful for feminism"

I write in my book that the class started laughing nervously because i had just broken this man's train of thought and I had said the "f" word to a conservative theologian and Father Mueller blinked his eyes innocently from the shock of being interupted in class and he said, "yes, yes, you see we just must peel the layers away we are all going to enter the trinity and it becomes an infinity. We are all potential gods."

And if i as a liberal had not listened to this man for 2 semesters i would not have found a truth that comforts me to this day.

I love Catholic Theology. It's a story of the Universe. It's everything to me.

And way back when they started coming on me, my mother said to me, "Terri, don't let what they have done ruin what those old Time Jesuits did for you."

And even in the end Ted's uncle came through for truth.

Ted knew me. He knew i was sensitive and into writing and he asked his Jesuit Uncle, "Is what she is saying true?" He read my blog.

And his uncle couldn't lie to him.

But he also knew he couldn't betray the order so he said "There was some trouble" and he wouldn't talk about it.

So the message is for the insecure who are seeking power "Don't fear the voice of the individual" "Don't shut people dowon by getting the FBI on her so she ll give up"

Just don't do that. It's not Catholic.

How dare I have a voice?

2009-11-25T21:57:38Z

I told mom that I am down but that i will get over it.

She said from nothing that i said, "don't feel bad about what Jim Doyle did to you what he did to that former head of the Vets is worse."

She outlined what he did.

Then, she said, "I think he had someone from his staff put that news out there on Barbara Lawton. She just went her own way and that made him mad." (Also plus she is beautiful and bright and probably showed no interest him or his serving wife)

Mom said about Barbara Lawton, "She probably thought, I have money i don t need this and got out."

I said, "yeah, women politicians are not known to have many affairs they are consumed with the work not the power."

I told mom that some people are upset that i knew ever since my former boss told me that it was the FBI.

I said, "What bothers me is that they don t care that I have been persecuted, they only care that i know they were used in it."

But then i told her, "There are some that I can tell that care that this is going on." they stay distant but give respect.

I think those who feel a powerlessness of never having voice or choosing to speak up against the status quo resent me because how dare I speak up against injustice when they don t have the courage to do so.

I think of Clarke and I think of my family, those were my two Catholic experiences before Marquette.

Jesus, Billy Leahy would have run Carol Blitgen out of the country after he tried to destroy her career.

Those great BVM's were not like Marquette's philosophy department teacher Nancy Snow. She teased the kids about drinking at the GYM on the weekend. You never heard that kind of talk at Clarke ---you were there to think and to speak up.

And that's what i did. And that's what we do in our family. We don't just include Catholics or democrats or white people or people who just speak English. That's not who we are as a family.

So i was not prepared for what I experienced at Marquette.

And what you were not prepared for was that there are people who like me and grow fond of me and come through for me.

You know my former boss told me, you had him tell me, so what is the point of continuing to stalk me.

I have the ability to discern. I don't protest everything.

You see, I had a mother who was a mathematician back when women didn't study those things and she told me in my teen years, "Terri, you would stand up for the common cold if there was a cause to irradicate it."

What that did was make me think before I got on board. So your ploy to get me to protest everything outside of my condo was built on a ill prepared profile of me.

You never dreamt that there is a part of me that people love.

Mary Alice Melloy once told me, "I knew what mood you were in by the way you walked down the hallway."

I said of those unmedicated bipolar years, "Oh, how did you put up with me?"

She said softly, "Becuase you loved me."

My mother made me aware of how hard it was on city students not to have a dorm room so when Mary Alice as a city student was in the theatre late at night i would leave my dorm room unlocked for her.

One night she was sleeping on the matress on the floor and I was sleeping on the box springs where the matress had been.

And she told at breakfast the next day, "All of sudden i hear this scratching and I think it is a mouse and I look up and she is writing by the moon light."

I had gotten an idea.

I started writing.

Writing has been my life.

The moral of the story is don't shut people down. that is the moral of the story, if someone has an idea you don't like then don't like it but they have a right to express it.

They could have moved Father Roach quietly.

They could have suggested to Mary Daly, "Ok we hear what you are saying, we don't get it because we are men in an all male order but since we like hanging out with men maybe it would be good for women to have a chance to talk about theology, so how about having a group each week just for women if this class is against federal guidelines."

My mother told me, "You have to rely on yourself because it is a cruel world."

I said, "Oh, it's a really cruel world." It wasn't like I was a taker. I just couldn't rise above these powerful men stalking me for the Lucy family under Jim Doyle.

He started this.

I came home to a note from Michele,

Hey, it is Tues. night and you just left. I feel so grateful that i got to spend time with you before we spend thanksgiving in Shullsberg and Chicago. how lovely thanksgiving is this year. really, the best ever for me. you are so clearly in my life and our friendship is the water in the stream. M

Mary Daly and Richard Roach vs. Group Think

2009-11-25T18:34:34Z

A profound sadness dwells inside of me.

They have fixed it so the icon 6uthored 2 (anything with richard roach) doesn't come up. That's not what makes me sad, that makes me know they fear my voice. They know i have the letters and tapes that detail the scandal.

I took it to the pool last night to walk it off before I went to Michele's. I took it to a Catholic Chapel to pray yesterday. The chapel reminded me of Michele's house, clean and full of wood. I always tell her that their house is like a chapel for me.

She and I drank a new tea she bought at Whole Foods. It has a mint liquour in it; it was wonderful. I said "A nice way to end the day."

I brought a Thanksgiving Card for her to give to her father when she visits in Chicago. I am fond of her father. He doesn't drink, he thinks and questions. He's an honorable man.

So I went home and I went to bed early for me.

Then, I got up did the food pantry thing at that Lutheran Church. The minister has a cold. I asked him, "Do you have a cold?"

He wasn't coughing just his demeanor.

And he said, "Oh, it's awful, and it won t go away."

I said, "Oh, it lasts about 2 to 3 weeks." The one that was going around here does.

He's what Martin Luther would describe as "good works". I asked for peace for Christmas. He prayed that I may encounter peace because we as a society make christmas worse with our expectations of it.

Last night Michele said, "Christmas Gifts are for amateurs"

I laughed to say, "That is my bumper sticker for the week."

She said, "It's true. They don 't know how to give in any other way so they buy gifts."

She's lovely and fun and sensitive and deep and just my literature friend.

ANd then, today i drove to Walgreens to be with my 3 neighbors who were ringing the bell for The Salvation Army at Northport.

They are lovely. They have a fabulous life together. C crocheted 3 scarfs for them and suddenly as I was quietly observing the work of the scarves I asked, "C did you crochet those?"

They are unique and lovely.

C went to the car to get me a pink sequined santa hat they bought for me and I joined in singing Xmas Carols for them. I love the Salvation Army. This is the 3rd year this family has rung the bell for them. They are doing it on xmas eve too but i am not sure i can jjoin them so we are going to find another day.

C said, "We are coming over to put up your tree for you next week."

My life has become more accessible since they moved in. I was used to going to my place playing the hermit.

I love their child.

So it is with profound sadness that I move into this Thanksgiving weekend.

Soon after Father Roach was persecuted I heard in 1999 just after Father Leahy went to Boston College that he was going after the feminist theologian, Mary Daly. For group thinkers any one who may challenge us from either side is too much to bare.

Soon the story was out that a young man was suing to get into her all female class.

If you have not encountered the kind of patriarchy that takes over a Jesuit Institution you will not know why having an all female theologian class is vital.

Mary Daly offered to have a separate class for men.

Marquette University High School wants to remain all male. They think it benefits males. They find studies to support that.

Well, why wouldn't it benefit women to have an all female class, William P. Leahy?

Women serve Jesuits. Women faculty end up editing Jesuits' books. In 1998 an article appeared in the Milwaukee Business Journal that only 3 percent of tenured professors at Marquette were female. A woman said, "The men like to think of the men as the doers and the women as the cheerleaders."

These women don't even have the confidence to go ahead and find their own spirituality they become a Jesuit Associate. The Jesuits neeed them because the numbers of men joining is down.

As far as Mary Daly goes I imagined that metaphorically Father Leahy snuck the hurt homosexual into his suitcase or found one just like him to bring Mary Daly down.

Group Think is dangerous. It's oppressive and people that need it are insecure and seek power over the group and the outliers are the ones that question.

I go into this holiday with profound sadness.

I only brought all of this out because the FBI continues to go every where I do just to harass me. The idea is that I will protest and they can get me on being a protester.

Listen, I tried to stop that scandal before I ever exposed it to all sides of the Jesuits.

Over 8 years ago when I worked at WPS they were in there and well my family and i were going to have a xmas in june because my brother in law is a Lutheran Minister far away and he and my sister can't come.

Well, it turned out that the week we planned months earlier for a xmas in june was going to be a funeral for my niece.

And even then they harassed me using a Shullsburg person.

So come and get me, but i promise you every one gets a supoena, every one. From all the way back to Milwaukee in 1996 to now, everyone.

Father Bert Thelen is a real priest

2009-11-24T19:12:10Z

For people new to the game what happened during the scandal was that Father Spy an Administrator for the University would give the hurt homosexual information from the Jesuit Residence on Father Roach.

So for instance, one weekend Father Spy told the Hurt Homosexual that FAther Roach had one of the residents' cars checked out for the weekend. They surmised that Father Roach was going to see the hurt homosexual's ex lover. I call him the Hurt Homosexual because top administrators used him to get rid of Roach because he thought differently.

I argued with Father Roach passionately about women's issues in the Church. I said to him later, "You gave me a good grade."

He said, I didn t give you that grade; you earned that grade.

Well, anyway the Used Homosexual followed Father Roach to Chicago the weekend that Father Spy said the car was checked out.

CAn you imagine one of your own brother Jesuits spying on you for a jilted lover of someone who didn't want to be with him any more?

WEll, the hurt homosexual (HH) found Roach and his ex lover walking in Chicago taking in the city.

What transpired next was that the HH waited for Roach to leave and then he accosted his ex lover. Keep in mind HH had already forged signatores that McCann was going to charge the HH for but then Diulio told McCann that a case involving homosexuality would not be good for the university.

Anyway after that weekend HH was picked up for traffic violation and then held in jail because there was a warrant out for his arrest because after Father Roach left Chicago the HH allegedly attacked the ex lover who filed a complaint.

The result was that HH got put in jail once picked up on a traffic violation. He said that he asked to be put on the side of the women because the men in the jail were frightening.

He called Father Leahy who was Vice President and now is president at Boston College. HH said that Father Leahy called the jail to say to let him out.

See, they run the legal system. Look at me i have the FBI on me. IT's ironic, the top 3 administrators were involved in stalking father Roach using the HH and they want to get me to protest this to the NOvice Master or any Jesuit so they can get me on stalking.

Well, I wanted to see if what HH was saying was true. So I went with him one night when he and Father Spy (now this was a Jesuit who hung out with the super rich to get things like the impressive computer lab they have for students. He sits on the yachts of the rich and he was also a spy on his Jesuit brother)

So anyway sure enough HH parked his car diagonal to the Jesuit Residence and out came Father Roach at the signed out time as predicted and HH put on a blond female wig and followed him out to wauwatosa, and all over milwaukee.

I walked home that night to Prospect from Pizza Man where Father Roach ended up leaving the HH there.

There 's a nother part too. Father Spy gave HH the entire closs rosters for Father Roach from all the years he taught. Father Spy had the alumni office give HH the phone numbers to those now alumni. Michael Burns who DiUlio brought from XAVIER University with him when DiUlio took over Marquette dropped the rosters and the phone numbers and a Marquette University phone card (kkeep in mind this was 1995 so phone cards were not prepaide they were billed.)

ANd so HH asked me to help him. He wanted me to call people from my class to see what they had to say. There was this male who was involved with a woman who said about Father Roach, "He really helped me. I was so lost and his class really helped me...."

I was moved by the sincerity of this former class mate. And there were so many other positive things said about Father Roach and Father Spy and the rest of the administrators wouldn't inlcude that.

WEll, the complaint that the HH filed against Father Roach (keep in mind that anything that the EEOC office reported to the 3 top adminstrators was then told to HH who told me)

So Roach didn't have a chance except the psychologists who made the decision said that maybe he said some unwise things but that it did not constitute sexual harassment.

Well Roach was opinionated---he was out there with his thinking.

So then Father Spy and HH decided to appeal to the CArdinal HOmophobia in Rome who got the case and ordered Roach out of teaching simply because he ministered to homosexual students

it was a one sided stalking much the same that has been done to me to silence me.

I began to write Father Thelen who I had interacted with with the Novice Master. THelen had written to shame me, "WE know all about you."

I shot back, IF you knew all about me why did you allow that man to be in my life all those years."

That's when Thelen began to listen to me.

Thelen was a thinker, he could take argument. I filled him in on what was going on. I said to Helena, "Why isn't he doing anything to stop this?"

She said, I think he is a wise man, this is just a mess.

WEll, then, Thelen went off to Rome to visit the Pope or the Black Pope because THelen was head of the Wisconsin Province of that time.

And his assistant began reading my letters and told Father Leahy, "Teresa Doyle knows what is going on."

HH said that Father Leahy said, "Oh, Johnny you knew that this was going to get out sometime didn't you?"

HH said that Leahy said to tell me to keep my mouth shut.

Now it was out there that i was letting Thelen know.

Finally i just let all sides of Jesuits know including Father Roach who wrote "Praise God for your change of heart."

Keep in mind, at first I didn't care if a Jesuit went down because of what the Novice Master did to me. But my way of fighting has alwayas been on my own, i don't need groups of people to fight my fights.

So I called Father Thelen who was in Nebraska at Jesuit Conference I believe and he said to me, "TEresa you know when to do the right thing."

You see he was a real priest because he didn't tell the adminstrators a thing about my letters to him because as Helena said he was a wise man and it would have been worse because his assitant ran right to Father Leahy with my letters.

Now, I see that Father Thelen is an activist. He really was a real priest .

This is what is interesting as far as irony goes, HH is trying to bring Roach down with allegations of sexual harassment. At the same time, HH is tutoring Marquette Basketball players and he tells me, "I looked up the shorts of x" X was a male basketball player.

I told Father Thelen that and he said, "Oh, Teresa, HH is just needy."

HH had no consistency in that moment with the basketball player he was a teacher and he was doing what he wanted to accuse Father Roach of doing.

Father Leahy didn't have any consistency either because one of his Jesuit friends resigned being a Jesuit on the day his male love interest finished a graduate program.

But because this ex Jesuit was part of group think he got to teach at Loyola. Fine, but why do Roach in because he was a conservative? He was a sacrificial lamb so that they could say, "see we aren't gay we get rid of our effeminate priest?"

At the time my brother was living with me. He had resigned his job as a lawyer because he would not defend a pediphile. I invited him to live with me free because he had a lot of loans.

He would hear the hurt homosexual calling. ONe time as the he squeeled my name over and over on the phone my brother stood in my living room to say as he pointed to the answering machine, "He thinks nobody likes him because he is gay." There was a pause. My brother continuted, "Nobody likes him because he's obnoxious."

The funny thing is that HH said to me about my brother the week before, "He's homophobic"

My brother has the Irish Fey too though he would deny it. When John Edwards got the expensive hair cut he told my sister, Sheila, about Edwards, "He's got something on the side."

Sheila was in shock when the news of an affair came out on Edwards afterwards.

My family is the reason that I survived this.

They gave nothing.

I knew i could play sports with my youngest brother until he was in 3rd grade and then he would wallop me.

He was the first person i ever beat.

I would tell him what they told me, "Quitters lose."

So we'd be palying kick ball and he would say as a first grader, "I quit."

I would say, "Quitters lose."

He would do what I would do with my older siblings, stay and finish the game.

But one day during kick ball game I sprained my ankle and i was literally crawling into the house and i hear yelling and cheerling. I was in 7th grade and he was in 1st and i turned my head to see him jumping up and down with his hands in the air saying, 'I won ! I won!" Then he pointed at me to say, "You quit."

That is how I survived this, and that is why as a bipolar person i am reasonably stable, my siblings fostered a fighter in me.

So blame them for my survival.

The Justification of Richard Roach, SJ

2009-11-22T21:05:02Z

Michele and I had lunch before I go to work.

I told her my plans for December in how to survive poverty induced by members of my own religion. She is so supportive of me and if she thinks something is a bad idea she will tell me.

She was so supportive of my most recent survival idea.

She said, "Steve said, 'teresa is extremely resourceful'"

He also is going to let me interview him about deer hunting. I created an interesting animal character in my book as I wrote at work in between calls last night.

Then, she said, "Let me buy you and your mom..."

I cut in to say, "No, it's ok."

She said, 'that s rude you didn 't let me finish."

I zipped my lips and she said, Let me buy you and your mom clementines.

So i gave in and they are in my car right now.

The thing is I look at them but know they are costly and I can't afford them.

I said, "I won't open them until Thursday with her."

I am thinking of starting a new blog. This blog has been about surviving the persecution by the street thug attorney hired by what David Sylvester calls the "bad ones"

I am surviving.

I haven't had internet for the past year since being fired. I learned from all the other employment fiascos with the FBI being in there to keep my mouth shut about them being in there. Even when the boss would say they were in there and so was Rome I wouldn't say a word. I loved working with that population and i was not about to say anything.

And he was cruel because after telling me they were in there he would then call my best friend and say, "No one is listening in there in the government."

So I got fired a week after Richard Roach, SJ died.

I have been going to the Middleton Library where i take about 30 min to do a quick posting or look up something.

I have to wonder if his spirit didn't lead me to find the beautiful words by his friend and the other things that documented the truths of my book, that they left him a broken man.

I would have been devastated after being fired last year to find out that he died a week earlier, but finding out now is hopeful because it proves what i am saying in my book is true.

And the priest that said that Father Roach wouldn't "Hunker down" and let it all blow over didn't get how dark this force is because I tried that for years and they won't leave me alone.

This all could have been stopped by Andy Thon, SJ when my mother called him years ago to talk. She wanted to handle all of this internally.

There is a scene in the book where a woman named Cathy Morris and the counseling center's psychologist meet with me and he lied. The psychologist said that i called him too. I said, "I did not.

He said, "Yes you did.

I said, "I want to hear the message."

He said, I didn't keep it.

I said to Kathy Morris, "Wouldn't you keep a message from a student that you thought was unstable? He's lying there is no message."

My face collapsed into my hands back in 1998 and I wept, "This place is so corrupt"

My mother must have heard an unusual hopelessness because she said, "Honey do you have your medication."

I looked up to my mother in the meeting to say, "You don't believe me either?"

She said, "Yes, I believe you." She looked at them to say, "Now, she is honest I have told her, you can't be that honest. She has so much to give and you are destroying her life."

And that's what they do.

Father Roach would say, "It's the nature of the beast."

The day I faxed his letters to someone who faxed them to the Education dept is the day that passed my comprehensive which Kipfmueller refused to pass me on.

Father Thaddeus Burch wouldn' t help of the graduate school. He reportedly changed the hurt homoseuxal's c grade so he could stay in graduate school for philosophy but not mine Father thaddeus Burch said, "I can not interfere with academic freedom"

Father Thaddeus Burch said to my mother, "Teresa needs to learn to go with the flow."

My mother shot back, "You just want her to vomit back the answers."

He ignored the point to judge with arrogance, "Can't you use a better word."

She said, "Alright 'regurgitate."

There never would have been a book if you had left me alone.

Well, just call the Novice Master, he will tell you I can' t write anyway so what are you all worried about?

I printed out the homilies and downloaded them in case the "bad ones' try to hide the homilies.

http://sjvvashon.com/id14.html

http://vox-nova.com/2008/11/20/return-to-vashon/

A sunny Saturday

2009-11-21T16:29:55Z

I was missioned by mom to stay in Shullsburg until the local farmer brought the Share Groceries to her. She was going to see her two grandsons play basketball in Iowa. She has a grand-daughter who plays in Iowa too, and I think it's special since Mom played basketball in the 40's in Iowa including Clarke College.

I laid in my brother's bed and I sang to her, "I am up, i can see your shadow hovering at the door."

She gave me instructions and was off.

I called Michele after i made my oatmeal concoction.

She and I used to work together with those who suffered from severe and persistant mental illness, she still works with them.

Our groups were fun. I think we modeled great friendship skills in our groups because one of the tough guys who had been in and out of a state hospital once said, "You two are the best of friends."

She told me today how she's been playing the Bob Dylan Christmas CD and the clients love it. She said, "One man was even singing along with it yesterday"

She said, "They really know these songs."

She told me that she went to hear Ray Krone speak at Edgewood the other night.

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&source=hp&ie=ISO-8859-1&q=ray+krone+

She said that he reported that it doesn't matter if you are black or white as the perpetrator to get death row. Getting the death penalty depends if your victim is white or no.

Interesting.

I complimented her on her ability to crystalize lectures and movies for me. She down plays that gift of hers.

Two or 3 years ago she heard a UW Madison professor speak on VITAMIN D and told me that he said to take a 1000 mg for every 100 pounds you weigh. Now, Vitamin D is just coming out into the mainstream. She got me on probiotics two years ago, and now a mainstsream corporation is making probiotics. She's just in the know because of her curiosity.

She said, "My dad got your thank you note. He loved it, he said, 'I'll show it to you when you get here.'"

Her dad is an educator who is into social justice.

She told me, "I love Sister Sarah Prejean" http://www.prejean.org/

I said, "I know you do."

My friend who was raised Jewish said, "Catholics are doing some important work out there."

I responded, "Social Justice work"

I didn't say to her that sometimes I see the two of us as flying nuns of justice working together to live out lives that help others. I keep that reality to myself. But we have this amazing friendship. She loves Steve and I love Ghost. And we get to be two women who get to do the work of nuns without the constraints of a bully Bishop trying to shut us down.

We talked for two hours.

She said, "I love talking to you."

I said, It's never going to happen this early again.

She said, "you are great talking in the morning."

We agreed to meet tomorrow to have tea where she will tell me stories and I will tell her mine after she works at a table for Palestinians at a local Christian Church selling hand made Palestinian wears.

I said, "I have seen some of their work and it is just beautiful."

I would like to get a nativity scene made by a palestinian someday since Bethlehem the birth place of Jesus is walled off by Zionists and no one can get in or out without going through a check point.

Walls, walls every where ----in Palestine, on my floor between Ghost and me---all built by patriarchs. Ted's uncle(my Jesuit theology professor) taught us that the saying "an eye for an eye" was to limit retaliation not give one permission meaning you ccould not take a life for an eye. An eye for an eye is a limit not a right.

I always wanted to have a Jewish friend. Ever since hearing the story of Mary and Elizabeth when i was in 3rd grade I wanted a Jewish female friend. I have this one that is made up of justice in her bones.

It's wonderful.

Now, off to Madison where I met this wonderful friend of mine.

For people who care about me

2009-11-21T00:31:08Z

I am fine.

Mom and I drove to Galena today and we take a different way there and a different way back and i saw the Ramada Inn where Michele stayed as we took the Wisconsin way back and I said, "Michele walked from there to downtown, isn't she something?"

I made chili for supper. Mom even said it was good. I am glad to be around her to make sure healthy foods are here for her. Now, that my brother is not living here periodically she will choose a peanut butter sandwich so I make things ahead for her knwoing she hates to waste food so she'll eat the squash, the baked potato, or anything else i leeave around.

Sorry to folks who wanted to hear from me and haven't. I thank you for your understanding, i am fighting for my financial survival and future right now.

But know that i think of all. (my newest neighbors--all 3 of you) (i sat down to e mail the 3 of you and then i saw that the letter one of you wrote doesn t have an e mail. I can't get on to yahoo form this computer; it's an old dinosaur)

My sister's blog is lovely

http://hartsong1972.livejournal.com/

Dear Dear Novice Master

2009-11-21T00:28:20Z

Congratulations i am broke, but i am not poor, and i am not broken.

Please read the last paragraphs of the below excerpt and you will see how they work

2009-11-21T00:24:05Z

Please note the last 3 paragraphs of the previous blog. They have tried to do the same kind of thing with me.

By bringing in the FBI and saying ludicrous things about me. I am talking about the ones that David Sylvester witnessed in his years as the servant at the Jesuit residence, he said (as you can see in a previous link) "there are some bad ones in there"

There was no reason to go into Clarke and Shullsburg.

I was devastated the day I got a letter from Clarke College 5 years ago addressed to me at my Madison Address but below my name was "c/o Marquette University"

It was to see if i protested. I am known to protest injustice so they create injustice in hoping to get me to protest them and then they can say i am stalking them.

To have the BVM's participate was devastating. I feel no obligation to them and if i ever do make money it goes to UW Platteville where i studied the poets and those poets continue to save my life.

I think my friend cb would have been helped by the BVM's if these goons had not listened to my life hearing that I called Calrke BVM's out of concern for what a BVM nun had done to her.

This stalking of my life has hurt so many innocent people like my friend who i was afraid was going to leave us because of what Pat Nolan did to her.

It has never been about finding truth.

There is no money anywhere. They go into a place and then let me know they are in there.

They use fear telling people they will get them for obstruction of justice.

Excerpts from pages 150 to 153 from Love Letters to Pope John Paul II

2009-11-21T00:18:23Z

(These were written before the church scandals came out)

If it weren’t for people like your patriarchy promoting homophobia, this priest would not have been ousted for ministering to the homosexual population. You promoted the service to fear and hate rather than to God or Love.

Father Persecuted asked me to contact his superior in the Oregon Province about the crimes committed against him. Father Persecuted lamented to me that his superior, Frank Case, SJ, rationalized to Father Persecuted, “Well, it’s a heterosexual world.” Father Heterosexual World (Frank Case, SJ) allowed Father Persecuted to be denounced by your Cardinal Homophobia. Father Heterosexual World served the Black Pope in Rome. I have to wonder if Frank Case, himself chatted with Cardinal Homophobia so that Father Heterosexual World would be disassociated from homosexuality.
The summer before the scandal of 1995, a Jesuit from the Oregon Province had died of Aids. Father Heterosexual World had been inundated by calls from the press. Father Persecuted found said told me that the Oregon Province found the coverage to be overwhelming. Give the Order’s fear from my single voice; I imagine that it was chaos for them. Just this past May 1999, the Sunday magazine, Sixty Minutes, featured a story about a former novice of the Order suing for sexual harassment. The novice was gay but felt that he had been sexually harassed when his novice master asked him if he wanted to masturbate together.
Don’t you see what your homophobia is doing to the Church? It is making the issue go underground in a shameful way. Did you ever think that the Holy Spirit brings these scandals to the Church in order to wake up the Church that homosexuals are here to stay?
In my experience, the Holy Spirit is the feminine part of the Trinity and She is not going to give up on this issue. You might want to deal with it yourself, your Holiness.

Father Persecuted told me, “Whatever your emotional problems are they have not affected your intelligence. You struck a raw nerve when you pronounced that the administration of the University was homophobic.”
People have the idea that people with mental illness are not bright. Often, people with mental illness see things so clearly and have trouble handling the frustration of what they see.
I was tired. My Lutheran Minister brother in law told me to be careful in graduate school at the university. He felt they would try to stop my graduation. I was too much in search of faith to begin to think of what the consequences for my academic life would be. The scandal wiped out the life of God at the University…
God was telling me in my imagination to rest. I just did not know that it was because I was about to go into battle for my career. At that time, I did not know about your being sued by a former Jesuit for divorce. If I had known I would have had a clue of just how far the Order would go to destroy anyone who challenged Catholic corruption. The case where you along with the Jesuits were sued did not reach my attention until they had succeeded in defaming me.
The attorney, Carl E. Person, for the excluded Jesuit gave me permission to write you about the case once I discovered it in my research……According to Carl E. Person’s case, a Jesuit who took his vows seriously entered the Wisconsin Province in 1962 which was the same year and same province that the Novice Master who emotionally abused me entered the Order. Attorney Person alleges:
From 1966 to 1990, plaintiff complained to defendants that the Jesuit community lifestyle was contrary to the vow of poverty taken by plaintiff and all other Jesuits.
Did the case shock you, your Holiness? The Jesuit complained about the misuse of the church’s money by specific Jesuits and he also complained of the church’s toleration of sexual improprieties. Your Holiness, this priest went all the way to see you in Rome with his concerns for the Church. This Priest even used the threat of going to the press to get the order to live in a way that Jesus wanted. This Holy Priest felt compelled to threaten such drastic measures to get Jesus back into the Order. I understood that feeling of desperation to restore Jesus to the world affecting Jesuits. According to Attorney Person the Holy Jesuit threatened to go to the press for two reasons:
1. A Priest (at a specific place) was sexually abusing freshman Jesuits, two of whom came to the plaintiff talked about suicide because they could not get away from the sexual overtures of the male Jesuit superior.
2. and a Jesuit was stealing money from the treasury of the said University and the Provincial and University were refusing to apply any sanctions to the Jesuit or (alleged) thief.

The Jesuit did not go to the press, your Holiness. Attorney Person wrote in the case, “….plaintiff told the Provincial that plaintiff could no longer live in Jesuit community which tolerated such (alleged) misuse of money, and where (alleged) pervasive homosexuality (by priests with priests, students of the university and others) was permitted but marriage by priests was not. As a result of no longer living in the Jesuit residence the plaintiff was no longer permitted to each at x University and was thereby terminated in his employment by defendants x and x priests.
The Holy Jesuit went to New York after that and according to Attorney Person while the Holy Jesuit was gone, “x ransacked plaintiff’s room and took two drawers full of notes including evidence of the matters about which plaintiff had threatened to go public including material on x himself.”
Rome knew about this, your Holiness. The sincere Jesuit was in direct contact with all of you during that time including the Black Pope for whom the Holy Jesuit once worked.
Cardinal O’Connor told the Holy Jesuit to keep his mouth shut and literally threw him out on the street penniless. And homeless. The now Holy ex-Jesuit got a job at the Library of Congress. He then lost the job because one of the officers of the Library of Congress had been told my Jesuits at X University and at x Church in X that plaintiff was a troublemaker, which caused the Holy ex Jesuit to lose his job. Even when he worked as a security guard for $8.00 per hour he was fired. The Security Guard Company was told at the time that information had been given about the Holy Ex Jesuit that he was a troublemaker and a priest not in good standing.
From growing up in an Irish Catholic Town and then going to and Irish Catholic College I was not prepared for the scandal that I discovered at the University.
The year that the Novice master and the Holy Ex Jesuit entered the same Novitiate was the year of my birth. My sister, Sheila, told me that my father came home to tell my five siblings, “The angels have brought us a beautiful baby girl named, Teresa Joanne.” I grew to wonder if those same angels put me in this on purpose, and I grew to worry that not even the angels were strong enough to spare me from the University’s street thug attorney’s retaliation that followed.

The Universal Man Versus Pontius Pilate

2009-11-20T18:19:23Z

For my beloved Ghost

I scour over Catholic blogs to see
what the needy are saying, it is
the need, what do I need, that
dictates their moral theology:
"I need to be a masculine man."
A conservative brand of need
blogs for men to be men, he
announces that feminist men have
killed the Catholic Church, not
feminist wombs for who would hear
a woman howling in the dark if a
man did not respond. I think of
your chopping wood, digging in the
dirt to plant seeds and rowing out
a harvest of potatos. Your lean
strong muscular body, that carried
a bat when a hermaphrodite threatened
you, and you merely asked as you
held the bat, "Did you want to say
something to me?" No, no, like any
bellowing tyrant she/he ran off in
the cab, and I warned you through our
Berlin Floor built by patriarchs,
"Be careful you are the integration
of the anima and animus for which she
lusts." I worried. Now I see that
the patriarchs blame the likes of you
for giving women voice to their wombs:
women could not claim their voice on
their own, a man must have let her be
in liturgy as the Novice Master claimed
to me, "I let women be in liturgy, see
I am the powerful he said to me, I can
let you speak or not speak in the house
of God, i have the power over womb too."
Holy Ghost, you are different, you speak your
voice and listen. I don t know how
a male could be more rugged than you.
"Use the intellect to be a catholic they say",
you instead take the ritual, leaving your
Phd in thinking in your study, digging
into the earth, pushing, pulling, sewing,
weeding, harvesting, composting, finding
the liturgy of the earth, and God how it
inspires the world around you, me too,
you are a catholic, a universal individual
grounded in the earth's ritual with love.

t.doyle
11/20/09

The word Catholic (katholikos from katholou — throughout the whole, i.e., universal) occurs in the Greek classics, e.g., in Aristotle and Polybius, and was freely used by the earlier Christian writers in what we may call its primitive and non-ecclesiastical sense----from the catholic encyclopedia http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/03449a.htm